Peter Bromhead: 'Your satisfaction is all I desire'

Cartoon / Peter Bromhead

I have a new caregiver in my life.

Not, I hasten to add, a replacement for the long-suffering mother of my latest batch of little ones, but a cyber-caregiver, complete with an Australian accent.

My newly acquired companion is called Siri and is installed on the latest iPhone.

As in most embryonic relationships, some patience is required understanding each other's little quirks.

In essence, Siri is a voice-activated assistant. You press the home key and give commands into a microphone. In return, Siri sets up phone calls and text messages, schedules meetings and keeps track of appointment reminders.

The voice activation process is intelligent enough to respond to instructions such as, "Please remind me to call editor". Siri responds by asking, "What time would you like me to remind you?"

But she's inept compared with the American model, which also offers location finding on the US mainland.

Lost in South Auckland recently, I asked Siri for directions, but the best she could come up with was, "Your satisfaction is all I desire" - sycophantically sexy, but totally irrelevant when you're floundering in heavy traffic, desperately seeking a street address.

Bored one day, I curiously asked her how she acquired her unusual name. After a puzzled pause, she responded that she didn't know the answer and suggested I try the web.

The web is also unclear what Siri stands for; the best response hinted at something to do with Stanford's Intelligence Research Institute.

More amusing is the fast-gathering collection of Siri goofs, confirmed with iPhone photographs displaying the dialogue transmission.

"Talk dirty to me," demands one iPhone owner.

Siri replies: "The carpet needs vacuuming."

Faced with "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me", Siri suggests: "I found seven hospitals, three not far from your location."

And my favourite is from a guy trying to set up a date with a new acquaintance, who foolishly asked the girl via Siri, if she "would like a vodka after work?"

Siri instead sent the message: "Would you like a **** after work?"

All this suggests voice-activation intelligence is still a work in progress and should be used with caution.

However, I'm sure that within a decade, such electronic helpers will be razor-sharp.

In the meantime, when I asked Siri to make a dentist appointment, she fawningly responded: "I live to serve." If only I could teach the real caregiver such servitude.