Peter Bromhead: Vote for me

If I were elected, I would swiftly expect an invitation to consume tea with my chummy neighbour, John. Cartoon / Peter Bromhead

With Kim Dotcom's foray into politics suggesting that anything is possible in today's wacky world of MMP, rumours now abound that I'm about to stand for Epsom.

At this stage, I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a new political entity to be known as "The Whatever Party", reflecting the spirit of the times.

Of course, if I were elected, I would swiftly expect an invitation to consume tea with my chummy neighbour, John. Just so there's no misunderstanding over preferred beverages, I suggest that alcohol might be more appropriate than sharing teabags.

His PR lackeys should note that I'm rather partial to the floral, creamy taste of the Gout de Diamant Brut Diamond Champagne, which I understand can still be purchased for a mere US$1.2 million a bottle.

While some might find this a jaw-dropping extravagance, I should remind them this is the world of compromise politics and my support for keeping the present Prime Minister's nose above the waterline might depend entirely on certain privileges thrown in my direction.

Naturally, I'm also presuming, like the Member for Ohariu, that I would be offered a ministerial post in the post-election government - with all the usual perks including chauffeur-driven limousines for the caregiver and myself, plus of course, travel to exotic parts of the world on what I believe are technically known as "fact-finding" missions.

John is aware that I share his fondness for Maui and doubtless he'll be anxious to arrange a permanent suite at the Four Seasons Wailea, just in case I'm required at short notice to make up a party for golfing soirees with certain other political identities who share our preferences for Hawaiian holidays.

Epsom residents who might be concerned that as their newly elected MP, I might not appear to be paying enough attention to local problems, can rest assured that the luxury suites at the Four Seasons have a full internet service.

Alternatively, constituents will be able to take comfort from listening to multilingual recordings of Oscar Wilde's quote, "Life is too important to be taken seriously", which is available on my mobile message service whenever my overseas workload prevents me from returning calls.

So why would Epsom citizens vote overwhelmingly for me? Well, it's because of my unblemished past. For starters, I've never been Mayor of Auckland.