Peter Bromhead: I rest my case...

Illustration / Peter Bromhead

"Is Minnie married to Mickey Mouse?" enquired my young son, following another Clubhouse session on telly.

As someone who has been around almost as long as Mickey, I should know the answer. "Well ... " I hesitated, "... they seem to live together, so I presume they're married."

"So why don't they have any children?" was the response, from someone who at 2 years of age shouldn't be concerning himself with the mouse's domestic arrangements.

If my child had been an adult, I would have made up some cock-eyed story about Mickey losing his testicles in a mousetrap in 1928, or how Minnie spent time in a research laboratory as part of a drug-testing programme and was no longer able to have children.

However, I sense that for a young innocent there's plenty of time to introduce my more cynical scenarios when he's a little older.

"Perhaps they've grown up and left home?" I murmured instead.

"So why don't they ever Skype - like you do when you go away?"

"Ah! Good question," I muttered, feeling cornered.

Fact is, I don't recall ever seeing a computer or mobile in Mickey's life.

To avoid further uncertainty, I turned to the web to check Mickey's marital status. I was interested to learn that he was dreamed up and drawn by an artist called Ub Iwerks, who worked for Disney. An unusual surname, suggesting some way-out Apple computer program.

Trawling through his animation work, I lost interest in seeking Mickey's marriage certificate, after discovering Ub's 1935 film poster for Sinbad the Sailor.

What caught my attention was Sinbad standing on the bow of his sailing craft, clearly recognisable as none other than our own Four Square cartoon grocer.

The revelation has left me mortified, having recently suggested that the familiar caricature should feature on a new corrugated-iron national flag.

My discovery that the grocer was probably an ancient Iranian seaman leaves troubling questions about his legal status.

I can find no official records that Sinbad the Sailor has ever been granted NZ residency.

Did he jump ship before furtively slipping into a grocer's apron? More importantly, if he did, are we comfortable having some dodgy Mediterranean sailor who's been masquerading as a Kiwi grocer representing us on our national flag?