Matthew Lynn: BP should tell hypocritical Americans to take a hike

Ever since oil started gushing from its well in the Gulf of Mexico, the British energy company BP has responded precisely the way you'd expect from a massive corporation caught in a terrible mess.

It has sent its public-relations staff out to grovel abjectly on television. It has run around trying to make it look like it's doing something, even if it is only stuffing old socks into the leaking well. Chief executive Tony Hayward has been wringing his hands at every available opportunity.

But this is a catastrophe on a whole new scale. Traditional responses won't work. In fact, there are no words BP can use to apologise sufficiently.

Whatever it says, it's still going to be the most reviled company in America. Instead BP should tell the US to go take a hike. In reality, the US is guilty of the most appalling hypocrisy. It's too late to rescue BP's reputation; all it can realistically hope for is to salvage as much money as it can for shareholders.

It isn't hard to understand why BP is in trouble. The biggest oil spill in US history has soiled at least 225km of coastline, halted new exploratory drilling in the Gulf and shut down a third of its fishing areas.

Politicians are baying for BP's blood. The media is kicking the company to pieces. The New York Daily News last week described Hayward as "the most hated - and clueless - man in America" for his handling of the crisis. Publicity doesn't get much worse than that.

So far, BP has been playing this right out of the chapter in the spin doctor's manual headed, "What to do when your company is about as popular as the Third Reich in 1946".

It has apologised, and apologised again. It has simpered, felt people's pain, and promised to learn from its mistakes. Responsibility has been taken, errors owned up to.

No doubt we can expect some pretty hefty donations to environmental charities over the next few years. And don't be surprised if the Hayward family cancels its northern summer vacation and gets down to the Gulf beaches with a bucket and big mop.

The trouble is, none of it is going to work. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has more chance of getting the Ford Motor franchise for Lubbock, Texas, than BP does of staying in business in the US.

So why not tell the US to go stuff it where the oil don't leak? Here are three reasons why it should: First, the US is guilty of crazy double standards.

Hayward should go on television and say: "Excuse me, which country is the biggest oil consumer on the planet? Who refused to do anything about climate change, or even to put sensible taxes on gas? Heck, your President even flies around in a 747 when a modest Gulfstream jet would get him there just as fast.

So of course the oil companies have to drill in more and more dangerous places. If you insist on being addicted to cheap oil, you have to recognise there are risks attached. So grow up, and stop acting like children."

Next, BP likely is finished in the US. There is no form of apology that will make any difference. The average American consumer now hates BP and isn't about to change that opinion for a generation or more.

So BP should just hire the nastiest, meanest lawyers that money can buy. Fight every lawsuit. Refuse every claim above the bare minimum. You're going to get hammered anyway, so you might as well go down fighting.

Whatever you do, don't waste a lot of money on an army of advertising agencies and public-relations consultants trying to restore your image. It's not going to work, so there is no point even trying.

Finally, BP needs to protect its shareholders. So sell your assets in the US to one of the other energy majors while you still can.

Just remember there's a big world out there, with a lot of oil and cars in it. Your job is to look after the owners of the company, not make yourself acceptable to a country that doesn't want you any more.

Of course, doing this really will make Hayward the most hated man in the country. But who cares? George W. Bush was the most-hated man in France, but since he wasn't looking for any votes in Bordeaux, it didn't matter.

BP's image in the US matters only so long as it tries to do business in the US. If it cuts its losses and gets out now, it can carry on fine in Japan, France, Argentina and all the other countries where no one is really that bothered by what happens in the Gulf of Mexico.

Just say: "Thanks for everything guys. It was good while it lasted. Sorry about the oil spill, but so it goes. Goodbye and goodnight."

It's the only strategy that's going to work now.

- BLOOMBERG

* Matthew Lynn is a Bloomberg News columnist. The opinions expressed are his own.