Deborah Hill Cone: Barbs, bemusements and bollockings

This is my last column for the year. What a lot of opinions I have spouted. Me on the financial crisis: "Bankers are the new paedophiles. Not such big swinging dicks now, eh mate?" "Post-financial meltdown we all seem to have turned into polite Kevins."

Me on flying with two preschoolers: "I think I have learned helplessness syndrome. Like a battered wife, I go back for more. I feel lukewarm coffee and a surly manner is all I deserve. Just saying." Me on Eric Watson's birthday party: "Excuse me for stating the freaking obvious but is Eric Watson a bit slow? Or just bollock-clutchingly arrogant?"

Me on pharmacists: "When they say 'chat', what they mean is a bossy patronising lecture in front of the rest of the ogling punterage. What next? A lecture from the dairy owner about saturated fat when you try to buy a slab of chocolate?"

Me on why we've become more gullible: "For years people watched as their money 'magically' increased in dumb-arse property developments and life got more prosperous, seemingly like magic. Now all that has been revealed to be smoke and mirrors, they are desperate for some other magic bullet."

Me on randy old goats: "The thing I remember about lunch with Richard Worth was that when we finished - not long, not that boozy - he gave me a pair of socks. Shows what a panty-waist journalist I am, I just thought 'Cool, a free pair of socks'."

Me on dentists: "I see a lovely dentist who 'cares for cowards', plays hot jazz and gives me nitrous oxide - it's fabulous, like going to a pleasant nightclub where you can't talk or dance because someone is fiddling in your mouth. Until you get the bill." Me on tattoos: "New studies have shown we are top in the world for indiscriminate boffing and for smoking pot. I wouldn't be surprised if we were also top achievers for tattoos per capita. Nifty if you're a sailor or a pirate, for sure, but on a nice girl who went to Dio?"

Me on credit ratings agencies: "Do credit rating agencies have to apply for a credit rating? I hope Moody's, Standard & Poor's, Fitch and Veda Advantage give themselves junk status, put themselves on negative creditwatch and give themselves a bitch slap across the chops." Me on supermum control freaks: "We need to lower our standards. Stop reading those ghastly home and garden magazines with lab-like kitchens and beige sofas and smug tidy people.

No one really lives like this. Stop reading the Rachel Glucina society pages. These people secretly have P habits and plastic surgery addictions." Me on Paul Henry: "So mocking someone for being hirsute is similar to pointing out someone has a weak chin or a hare lip." Me on how university seems to have got easier: "Under standards-based assessment everyone can be summa cum laude. Who cares if the degree means less than one of those cereal-packet qualifications you can buy off the internet." Me on Fonterra: "If you're going to be a small country and only have one notable company, couldn't we be sexy like Finland with Nokia?"

Me on ACC: "The aim of trying to put right every wrong in the world might be noble, but it is also deluded and ultimately doomed." Me on climate change: "The most powerful organised psychosis these days does not worship God but the environment: the Godless religion of global warming. But don't believe what I say. Remember, you can only find your own truth."

Me on trying to be Gina Hardface Bitch: "There may be a message in the fact I recently bought a leather skirt and a black lipstick. It made me look like the world's oldest and mumsiest goth." Me on why I've gone off intellectuals: "I can't help wondering if bleddy intellectuals are the problem with our piss-poor productivity figures. Bottom line: too many posh people go into business. Generally it is not the snobs or brainboxes who create wealth or earn export dollars."

So there you are. Have a happy Christmas and an opinionated New Year.

dhc@deborahhillcone.com