Jim Hopkins: A beginner's guide to getting the economy in line

If more people read the business pages we probably wouldn't be in this mess. But the fact is they don't, so we are.

Things are beginning to look increasingly gloomy on the economic front. Indeed, they're looking so gloomy that the economy's been promoted to the front page.

Not as itself, of course. But it is there, cleverly disguised as "Job losses" or "Fuel price hikes" to avoid alarming those decent middle-class folk filling out their new Working For Families applications.

Yet, despite such ruses, it seems we'll soon be replacing Mr Clinton's famous line; "It's the economy, stupid" with, "It's the stupid economy!"

Then, when the Inland Revenue goes into receivership we'll be able to display our unquenchable fortitude by laconically quipping, "It's the stupid economy", and hoping somebody else will buy the next beer.

Alternatively, we can do what we've always done and implement some wide-ranging Economic Policy Management Strategy Options. That should whip the stupid old economy into line.

And since we'll soon need to understand the business pages, here's a quick guide to some of the options being considered.

First is the 4T or Talk Tough To Tokyo Strategy. Actually, some Reserve Bankers tried this in December when they popped over to tell Mr Nikkei he should stick his uridashis where the sun don't shine. Uridashi is the Japanese word for "overseas savings accounts". They're very popular with the Japanese because they don't get any interest at home which explains why they're in an even bigger mess than we are, and why they have to sell us their second-hand cars to pay for the groceries.

Trouble is, their uridashis are our cheap home loans. So the Reserve Bank made it abundantly clear to Mr Nikkei that our economy has a galloping case of campylobacter and "if u'r not careful, u'll all be making a uridashi to the uridunni".

Needless to say, this has had no effect on the Japanese whatsoever.

Option two is BTB or Blame the Banks. This is a beauty because it involves the Min of Fin saying it's the banks' fault because they've been forcing money on innocent customers, creating a giant mess. The solution is simple. He just passes a law limiting the amount banks can lend and everything's all right. There's a sound economic reason why the Gummint should blame the banks. Banks can't vote. Meaning it's very likely to happen, so you'd best call 0800 K-MAN ISLANDS now!!!

Especially since Tax Cuts aren't on the options list. While they may lure new businesses here and generally stimulate the economy, the Gummint's not at all keen on tax cuts, largely because: a) the Opposition thought of them first, and b) they could leave our leaders with less largesse to bestow upon the grateful masses, who might then begin to realise how big a mess they're actually in. And that would never do.

Which only leaves BKM and EW.

BKM or Buy Kiwi Made is basically voluntary Import Substitution (which we tried for 50 years) and should work a treat, provided: a) you're happy with any colour so long as it's black; b) you don't mind paying more, and; c) you enjoy wanting things you can't buy - like plasma TVs and iPods.

EW or Earnest Waffle is more promising since it merely involves an eminent earnest person going on telly and talking about "added value" and "raising our skill base" and "boosting broadband uptake" and, hey presto, everyone feels much better.

"At least the Gummint's doing something," we'll all say on the bus as it's being towed back to the depot with a blazing engine. "So that's okay".

And it might well be. Then again, maybe not.

It is possible the only effective strategy is one mentioned in hushed tones by some of the more advanced economists in the privacy of their own calculators, and that is the Mammal option.

You'll recall, 65 million years ago, how a giant meteor wiped out the dinosaurs. But not the mammals, because they were scrawny little cunning creatures who scrimped and scavenged and hid under rocks and did whatever was necessary to survive in a harsh world that didn't give a uridashi whether they were there or not.

For obvious reasons, the Mammal option is off the table, not least because the thought of being economic mammals doesn't appeal at all. We much prefer being happy reptiles basking in the sun by the watering hole, secure in the knowledge the Gummint can always pass a law to keep things that way.

So us economic beginners can safely predict we'll opt for one or more of the reptilian options, even though they'll all have much the same effect as throwing snowballs in a blast furnace.

But the good thing is they put the blame where it belongs - with other people. Consequently, when the economic meteor does finally hit we can all indignantly chant in unison, just like Simon and Wendy, "It's not about me!!!!!"