KEY POINTS:
This recession makes me think of Kevin the Teenager; the spotty baseball cap-wearing adolescent created by comic Harry Enfield. Kevin's catch-cry to his despairing parents is "I hate you, I wish I'd never been born" and "It's so unfair!" Kevin's main aim in life is to lose his virginity.
In one sketch I remember he gets a girlfriend and is all puffed up with bravado and hormones, but after he is dumped by her, Kevin is transformed into a chastened, polite young man who asks his parents humbly if he might go to the garden centre with them. and who needs a hug from his mum.
Post-financial meltdown, we all seem to have turned into polite Kevins. I know this might seem like a good thing, but I am not so sure. Regardless, the Economist reports that manners and etiquette are back in fashion. Rudeness is out and civility is the new rule in an uncertain world.
On Wall Street "it's now all about charm and openness and taking time with people". Cocky young things straight out of the best business schools have stopped skipping interview appointments and there is much less looking over people's shoulders at drinks parties.
Even fabulous Financial Times management-theory debunker Lucy Kellaway has gone all feathery-stroker.
Post-credit crunch, Lucy advises wearing a smart suit and being demure, unassuming and grateful.
I must say, I do fancy her idea of "High Heels Fridays" replacing the cruddiness of their casual equivalent. But overall, I am not in favour of this new politeness. And that is not just because some people consider me obnoxious. Just last week I was called "intellectually slovenly" and a presumptuous, ignorant, hubristic fool. Stop already, blushing.
There are other reasons I am worried about polite Kevin syndrome. We don't need a nation full of drips. It is simply not productive to be overly humble and sorry for yourself. And in terms of self-indulgence, hand-wringing self-pity is simply the flip side of the arrogance of fat-arsed wankers having a bad day.
That's because the kind of politeness and chivalry which the Economist hails as a return of civility is not a genuine sort of kindness and compassion for one's fellow human. It is simply the petulant regrouping of a chastened bunch whose testosterone levels are running low.
Real manners and generosity are not dependent on whether you are feeling a bit pathetic or whether you want to score a new piece of business. It's like being nice to the fat girl because no one else will talk to you, but when Scarlett Johansson swans along we all know you will drop fatty PDQ. Genuine manners are practiced when you're up as well as when you're down.
But things are truly dire when even Vogue editor Anna Wintour - the Devil who really does wear Prada - has decided we all have to be nicer, less "Dubai" and, strangely, buy fewer clothes. Wintour told the Wall Street Journal there has been "too much consumerism". (Splutter, splutter.) "I think a sense of clarity, a sense of levelling off and a sense of reality is needed. I think it was excessive, and there's a very correct correction going on."
Economists are in two minds about whether we can spend our way out of the recession, but they all seem to agree that we need more confidence. Well you don't get confidence by being insecure, wussy and wearing last year's frock. You get it by saying, "Stuff it, I'm not going to be a wet blanket, let's get back out there and make stuff happen". I can see the emails coming in already: "I hate you, it's just not fair"... Suck it up, Kevins.
deborah@coneandco.com
