Deborah Hill Cone: Anger - it's such a foreign concept

I know it's not okay to rough up your old lady. I know it's not okay to backhand your offspring. But until recently I didn't realise it was not okay to even get grumpy anymore. I discovered this on my most recent trip overseas.

I am not sure which bit of the journey was the highlight. The flight getting cancelled. The eight-hour delay of the rescheduled flight the following day. The almost-riot in the departure lounge, with 20 police and security guards running - running! - to quell the uprising. The sudden need to use the feminine hygiene product vending machine. The discovery that the machine didn't work. The surly air hostess who harrumphed - in business class - about getting me a coffee. Instant coffee. The gruesome sight of a half-dead dog being hit by a car in front of us on the motorway into Buenos Aires. That is not to mention travelling on my own with two pre-schoolers. Bloody all round.

It is funny because when you tell people you are going overseas, their instant reaction is always: you jammy cow. I think most people have not revised their image of travel from the Agatha Christie era of steamers, martinis and porters to carry your baggage. Wise up, sunshine. These days travelling, even in the pointy end, is not an elegant treat. It is all morbidly obese turistas in Crocs and souvenir tracksuits, oppressive announcements, bossy officials, intrusive security checks and ugly queues.

But in this particular instance that is not what made me mad as hell. And not going to take it anymore. What I have recently discovered is that if you give any signal of complaint at the many indignities and inconveniences you will encounter during your trip, the staff have been taught a new technique to shut you up. They effect a peculiar bedside manner voice, as though they are talking to a naughty child. I discovered this when I got annoyed at the staff in the Air New Zealand lounge. When I asked about my departure time, the desk trout had that shifty look people do when they just make something up because they can't be bothered actually finding out. When I went back later to see if there was any new information, she made up something else. When I said I found her unhelpful, she got a smug look on her face, put on that bedtime manner voice and said it wasn't working out between us as I was getting angry, so she was passing me on to someone else. "Not working between us?" Lady, you think that was angry? You ain't seen nothing.

It now appears that if you show any kind of anger or dissatisfaction, that immediately gives the person at the other end of the transaction carte blanche to take the moral high ground. They love it. It is not acceptable for anyone to get cross. No matter how much they are provoked. (Provocation might be recognised in law, but it is not recognised as a concept in the travel industry.)

I believe this attitude to anger is a particularly New Zealand attitude. Among other cultures, anger is just another emotion and it is okay to show it. When our plane was delayed because the pilot was refusing to come to the plane, the mainly Spanish-speaking passengers did not sit stoically in their packed departure lounge. They clapped, they whistled, they shouted, they banged things. They looked like they were going to start a riot. I felt like joining in. Come to think of it, I feel quite at home here.

deborah@coneandco.com