KEY POINTS:
Don't buckle David. Don't blink. Keep your aim true. Feel the force. Kia kaha. In December 2005 I wondered whether Minister of Communications David Cunliffe could cut the mustard.
Whether he had the clout, political will and gumption to bring a rampant Telecom to heel. Would he live up to the legacy of his first name and be a champion of the people to bravely fell the Telecom Goliath?
So far so good, although you have to say after 18 months Cunliffe is still twirling the slingshot around his head and is yet to let fly with the lethal shot. But to his credit he has stood his ground and in the latest round of Telecom threats has openly called the bully boy's bluff.
That was in response to new chairman Wayne Boyd saying the Government's plan to carve up the rapacious monopoly was a bad idea. "We're quite staunch about this," said Boyd. "Their proposal won't work."
Haven't we heard that before - the deny and delay mantra the company has blathered at us for the past 15 years. But Cunliffe wasn't having any of it.
To Boyd's suggestion that Telecom wouldn't invest the $1.5 billion necessary to bring our pillaged network up to speed, and may have to sell it off, Cunliffe more or less said: "We weren't born yesterday - under-invest your heart out." Actually what he really said was a lot more diplomatic: "Let me state clearly and for the record. We will not go backwards and reverse the Telecommunications Amendment Act or be changing what is a fundamentally sound, best practice regulatory framework."
But while this hapless telco consumer likes the tough talk, he is also tired of waiting. Prices for broadband and phone services haven't come down. We're still paying about $80 a month for basic phone and broadband services when we should be paying about $50.
And while broadband speeds have marginally improved, our fat pipe services are limited and metered - the sort of scheme you would expect if you were living in Stalinist Russia.
After nearly three terms, and very little change, excuse me if I think the Labour Government promises are sounding a little hollow.
Yes, I know local loop unbundling and naked DSL (broadband-without-phone accounts) are just around the corner. But competitors aren't exactly lining up to offer cut-price services and, based on their track record, big name companies such as Vodafone and TelstraClear don't look likely to start a price war any time soon. I don't see competition beginning before next year - and even then I suspect it will be mediocre.
While it's good that Cunliffe is finally putting right the long-standing wrongs of our monopolised telecommunications service, he's yet to address the fundamental problem - that when it comes to running a public enterprise, private enterprise isn't up to the task. Companies obsessed with creating shareholder value haven't a clue about creating public value.
Instead of thinking about how they can make their service universally and fairly available to every citizen, they focus on sweating public assets for 20 per cent-plus returns.
That's always been Telecom's problem - unengaged with its customers, unresponsive to what its citizen users want, and not interested in realising its public purpose. Just ask farmers in our heartland - people doing amazingly smart, efficient things in growing primary produce.
People who would benefit hugely from a universal broadband service.
So keep twirling the slingshot David, but realise that when you finally slay the giant, the real work begins. Buy back our network. Start the negotiation by offering them $1. Then invest not $1.5 billion, but $3 billion in extensive international bandwidth and high speed fibre that criss-crosses the country so that all of us - farmers included - have access to a network that fulfils its public purpose and offers value for money for all New Zealanders.
