Peter Bromhead: Ready to get searched in the USA

Cartoon / Peter Bromhead

I'm not looking forward to visiting the New World this week.

While other Aucklanders settle down to a relaxing break gorging on hot-cross buns, I expect to spend my Easter being groped in an unseemly manner in some ghastly US airport interrogation room by aviation security vigilantes - that new breed of professionals not particularly noted for their sense of humour.

I'm not concerned at undergoing biometric procedures, such as retinal scans or being fingerprinted. It's those x-ray imaging units that have me apprehensive. Currently there are 486 machines at 78 airports waiting to strip you naked, with millimetre wave and backscatter technology.

So what's the problem with exposing my modestly-sized genitals to the American Transportation Security Administration?

Well, readers may recall that I recently underwent surgery for torn stomach muscles, thanks to over-enthusiasm on the tennis court.

The surgical procedure involved securing a metallic mesh patch in one's lower gut.

I wouldn't have given the matter another thought, until a fellow hack showed me a US news story about an innocent traveller being given the third degree after a scanner picked up a similar oddity on his body profile.

"That mesh patch will probably suggest you're concealing something highly suspicious, like some sort of malleable plastic explosive material," he warned.

"You mean ..." I stammered, "Semtex?"

"That's what those security guys will be homing in on," he confirmed, adding alarmingly, "It'll be the rubber glove treatment for you in a back room, once their suspicions are raised. Even if they can't detect explosives in your stomach, they'll probably assign a federal air marshal to sit discreetly next to you on your flight."

"Well, what's the problem with that?" I said nervously.

"Nothing ... providing you don't make any sudden movements during the flight, or attempt to adjust your trouser belt. Those marshals are highly trained to shoot first and ask questions later - and they'll be watching you like a hawk.

"Even if you don't have a marshal on board, remember, on most US aircraft, the pilot now totes a gun and the cabin crew are highly trained in self-defence.

"You can guarantee they'll be advised there's somebody on board with a raised security profile."

"So what's the answer?" I murmured weakly.

"Forget going to the land of the free, stay at home and indulge in a bit of hot-cross bun gluttony," advised my friend.

"I'm sure your newly titanium strengthened stomach can hold a few dozen."