Deborah Hill Cone: Erotic? Not us, we're Telecom

Telecom has lost its erotic capital. I mean, I know no-one ever loved it passionately, but it had a certain va-va-voom in its heyday as our biggest company. Now it's the company no one wants to chat up, let alone take home.

It's obligatory to moan about monopolies but they have a certain muscular alpha maleness as long as they keep delivering their basic service. When they stop giving out, grudging acceptance turns to bunny-boiler vitriol. That's what happened to Telecom with the XT debacle - the "Oops I did it again" breakdown of its mobile network.

As Catherine Hakin, the academic who coined the term "erotic capital" says, beauty is about being static but sexual attractiveness is about movement. I know Hakin meant this to be applied to people - the Obamas and Beyonces - but businesses have personalities too. They are certainly as fallible, fickle, insecure and prone to getting stuck.

At the moment there is not much movement at Telecom. And they are not posed in a beautiful way. Telecom has gone from swan to ugly duckling. These days analysts talk about the demise of Telecom as if they seriously entertain the idea that the company is going to disappear from our business landscape.

If you've been around as long as I have this is not so wacky; most of the big companies I used to write about in the 1990s have gone - Fletchers, Feltex, Ceramco, Carter Holt, Clear Communications. Is Telecom a special case because it provides vital infrastructure?

Shut up. So do Air New Zealand and Tranz Rail, but a scenario where the Government effectively has to bail out Telecom is pretty scary.

It is hard to tell whether Telecom's outsourcing plans are going to hurry the creative destruction along or tart up the old girl. Telecom has confirmed it is planning to outsource a $1 billion chunk of its business - what is known as Technology Future Mode of Operation.

One of the areas under review is the catchily named Tits & Arse - oops, TT & SS division. This may go to an Indian company or could be part of a zhuzhed-up contract with EDS, now owned by HP. At the same time Telecom also owns its own IT outsourcing company Gen-i.

Telecom is cutting 200 management jobs - probably from the almost 3000 (out of 8000) employees who earn more than $100,000 per year. It has downgraded its earnings forecast as a result of XT's problems, the economic slowdown and regulatory woes. Businesses like certainty from regulation and there is none round the Government's ultrafast broadband project; it is unclear how Telecom is going to fit in.

So what does Telecom need to do if it is going to get back its mojo? It seems to be trying the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach. I read profiles of new graduates on Telecom's website and I couldn't really understand what most of them actually do in the business.

There was the transformational analyst, senior sourcing in transformation, organisational development advisers and stacks and stacks of people in HR.

I know this was supposed to attract the brightest new graduates but all the latest research says Generation Y wants to make a difference - to work somewhere with some erotic capital. As a small and insignificant country, I think we are most comfortable with businesses which are just like us. Small and insignificant.

But don't worry. Just wait a while and Telecom will be one of those too.

dhc@deborahhillcone.com