A psychologist says that in some households, traditional views persist about who does what at home, leading to bitterness and resentment between couples. Carly Gibbs reports.
These days people’s attitudes toward gender roles have shifted significantly. But in one area, change is slow. They are keeping old-fashioned views about who does what at home.
Tauranga psychologist Kate Ferris says that conflict over household chores and childminding is bringing more couples to counselling.
Ferris is seeing more working women burdened by a disproportionate domestic load making them the “she-fault [default]” homemakers.
They feel unsupported, and that they have to “parent” their male partners, which is a “turn-off”.
Men, in turn, feel “nagged and frustrated” at their partner’s lack of “goodwill” towards them. That they “can’t get it right” and that home feels like a battleground, with their contributions unacknowledged.
Research shows inequalities also exist in LGBTQI+ relationships, albeit to a “lesser extent”.
And while many men do engage in bridging long-held domestic gaps, there is further work to be done before “true equitable relationships become the norm rather than that exception”, Ferris says.
More couples seek counselling to work towards partnerships where each partner’s time is fairly valued.
Why domestic work falls to women
Gender inequality in the home is entrenched in gender roles and people normalise what was modelled to them as children.
Outdated notions of caregiving and housework as “pink jobs” persist.
And it isn’t solely the fault of men.
Women often weave their self-worth into how they parent, keep house, and “play wife”, which results in internalised pressure.
Ferris says women would benefit from learning to communicate their needs and expectations better.
This includes time for hobbies or catch-ups with girlfriends, as studies show that men engage in more rest and leisure time than women.
Ferris: “He might go to the gym after work or play golf on Saturdays while she stays home with the kids and the vacuum cleaner.”
Women “statistically speaking” are also more likely to have to rearrange their work day if their kids are sick; and more likely to pre-prepare dinner, lay out the kids’ pajamas and leave detailed instructions for their partners if they’re going out.
“If she takes on more than her fair share of the domestic load, whether by default or perceived choice, what we are saying is that her time is less important,” Ferris says, adding that if income is used to justify a domestic disparity, it’s again saying that homemaking is the lesser contribution.
The social construction of women as homemakers and men as primary breadwinners also harms men. It limits their participation in family life and it creates relationship tension.
Pretending to be bad at certain tasks to avoid unwanted responsibilities also causes friction. One partner ends up over-functioning and the other under-functions, creating an imbalance.
“The opposite of this tactic is when one person has specific rigid ideas of how things should be done and berates their partner for their efforts, which always fall short.”
Flexibility is required and one needs to be open to growing their capacity, and the other needs to make room for other ways of being.
The fix
Open conversation about gender norms in relationships is a good start, and Ferris recommends the book and card game Fair Play by Eve Rodsky to her clients, which helps couples see that all time is created equal.
It helps identify gaps in domestic responsibilities, clarify shared values and minimum standards, and provides a guide for how to redistribute labour and leisure time more fairly.
After creating a “s*** I do list” with the help of women she knew, Rodsky created a system of family management, set out like a card game.
Each card is marked with a household responsibility like taking out the bins, making school lunches, or Christmas shopping. Couples deal them out via nightly, weekly or monthly during “check-ins”.
Crucially, the cardholder takes responsibility for the entire task until the cards are re-dealt – its conception, planning and execution.
Rodsky gives her children’s sports activities, as an example. Once her husband took on that card (‘Extra-curricular: Sports’) he became responsible for every aspect of it, from signing consent forms and preparing post-activity snacks to coordinating pickups and drop-offs. “Eight hours a week I got back in my life from just [handing over] that one card,” she says.
Ferris says: “Some couples might grow to 50/50, whereas others could be 30/70. [However] be open to growing capacity - don’t default to ‘you do it better than me – so that’s your responsibility’.”
Operating this way teaches the next generation that family life is managed fairly; helps reduce the cycle of “nagging and avoidance”; and couples will have time to develop passions and feel closer.
“They will live in greater alignment with their shared values.”
Gender and society
The fourth biennial Gender Attitudes survey run by the National Council of Women of New Zealand found that 84 per cent of New Zealanders think achieving gender equality in the home means equal sharing of household chores.
However, when asked if they thought we were doing well in achieving this, only 59 per cent of men and 41 per cent of women agreed.
Although the majority of respondents thought household chores were suited to any gender, cooking meals was still seen as more suited to women and putting the rubbish out was a man’s job.
The results were released in September from a representative sample of 1250 New Zealanders. Visit genderequal.nz
Carly Gibbs is a weekend magazine writer for the Bay of Plenty Times and Rotorua Daily Post and has been a journalist for two decades. She is a former news and feature writer, for which she’s been both an award finalist and winner.
