Sonya Bateson: Stay at home or back to work? Guaranteed guilt whatever the decision

For many families, having a parent at home isn't even an option. It is a privilege to be able to stay at home these days, writes Sonya Bateson. Photo / Getty Images

OPINION

I almost forgot to write my column today.

My toddler has gone through a growth spurt and, all of a sudden, nothing fits him. His pants are all too loose around the waist and too short in the leg. That meant I spent this morning scouring op shops for fabric offcuts and cotton reels so I could whip him up some form of leggings.

I was in luck – one op shop had some comfy stretch fabric in a neutral enough colour, and another had some cotton that matched. A junk shop down the road had some elastic, so it'll take me about an hour to whip him up two pairs of pants at a cost of about $8.

I'd just put the toddler down for his afternoon nap and had cut the pieces ready to sew when I realised what day it was – column day. Yikes. I'll finish the pants tonight and wash them tomorrow.

Many parents would have nipped down to Kmart or Farmers instead of spending so much time and effort to handmake something that will likely only last a few weeks. Me, well, clothes shopping isn't in our budget at the moment. But I do have a good sewing machine, a keen eye for thrifting, and a love of DIY.

Making toddler clothes is one of the ways I can help my family stick to our tight budget. I'm sure many of you reading this column made similar choices when you were raising a family – you sacrifice a little now for a better life later on.

There are sacrifices that come with being a working parent, too. Different, but still sacrifices.

We did the calculations before I quit my job – I would need to leave the house at 6.45am to get the kid to daycare before starting work, I'd pick him up in the afternoon around 4.15pm and get home close to 5pm, at which time either myself or my husband would have to immediately start cooking dinner.

One of us would get a bit of playtime with the kid while the other cooks. Then it's dinnertime, bedtime routine, bed.

I bawled my eyes out realising I'd only get to see my little guy – who was only a few weeks away from turning 1 and not yet walking – for just a few hours a day, and those hours at the time when he's at his tiredest and grumpiest.

Not to mention how much money it actually costs to send a child to daycare – the quotes we were given at the time were around $60 per day, and you've got to pay that even if your kid is sick and you've had to take the day off work to care for them.

So, after weighing up the pros and cons, we decided I'd stay home with our toddler.

It's a decision we made with our eyes open – we knew that going down to one income would be tough, but we felt it was the best choice for our family.

That doesn't stop the sometimes overwhelming feeling of guilt, though.

Guilt. The common denominator between all parents. No matter your parenting style, the jobs you do, the state of your house, the clothes your children wear, we all feel a measure of guilt.

If I was working, we wouldn't have to calculate our grocery bill to the dollar. We could visit our out-of-town family members more frequently. We could go on vacations, we could have new clothes, our child could have all the fancy toys and books.

Our family's position in 10 years would be so much more comfortable. We could be paying off our mortgage faster, we could be saving up to take trips overseas (or even within the country!), we could save for a better vehicle.

But we chose to tighten our belts. And if I was working, there'd still be guilt – Is my child happy at daycare? Is he spending more time with his teachers than with me? Would he be getting sick so frequently if he was at home?

It doesn't matter what you choose, you're always wondering if you did the right thing. If your choice has somehow harmed your child's future.

But for many families, having a parent at home isn't even an option. It is a privilege to be able to stay at home these days. A luxury.

Like Logan Donnelly, we analysed our finances and chose to make adjustments to accommodate living on a single income. And it has been the best time of my life. I am so, so thankful we were even able to make that choice.

I get to treasure all the special moments with my little guy – I get to be here for all his "firsts", I spend all day baking cookies, reading silly stories and teaching the actions to The Wheels on the Bus.

When my son wraps his little arms around my neck, buries his face into my shoulder and tells me he loves me, I know we made the right decision for us.