Sonya Bateson: Churches and schools embracing LGBTQ+ acceptance could save lives

OPINION:

I first realised I was straight when I was asked on a date by a girl in one of my university classes.

I actually had to stop and think about it for a second before giving her my answer. The idea of being in a same-sex relationship had never even occurred to me (small-town girl, am I right?) until she approached me.

It just wasn't a label I'd ever tried on myself.

"I, uh, have a boyfriend. Sorry?" I stammered back. The girl laughed, said something along the lines of "all good, see you around" and on with our days we continued. She's an acquaintance to this day and is happily married to her girlfriend of 10 years or so.

It's rather pleasant being a straight woman who's never truly had to grapple with my sexual identity. People have been asking me if I've got a boyfriend since kindergarten and, eventually, the answer to that question was "yes".

I never had to wonder whether disclosing my partner's gender would result in judgment, hate or disbelief. I never had to come out to my friends and family, nor grapple with whether I would be alienated from those I love because of who I'm attracted to. I've never had anyone try to convince me that I must be mistaken about my sexual orientation, that I should change my mind and date a different gender.

No one has ever accused me of being wrong, a sinner, or a mistake because of the person I'm in a loving, legal relationship with.

And that's the crux, isn't it? Same-sex marriage, whether you like it or not, is legal in Aotearoa. It's real, it exists and it's a right.

Marriage is - legally - between two consenting adults of any gender in our country. It is not limited to a man and a woman.

Marriage also isn't a Christian creation. It predates, by millennia, the birth of Christ. It is a concept found in vastly different societies and cultures around the world, and has taken many different variations. Some of the oldest recorded evidence we have of marriage is from western Asia, dated about 4350 years ago.

Polyandry (a woman with multiple husbands) was and still is practised in parts of Asia. Same-sex relationships were relatively common between men in ancient Greece. We have well-known instances of Egyptian pharaohs marrying their siblings. Divorce was common in Roman societies, and men and women would get remarried multiple times throughout their lives for political advantage. Polygamy has been practised throughout the world – including by some of the most famous men in the Bible. Love wasn't considered a foundation of marriage in Britain until the Victorian era.

All this is to say marriage has evolved over time, even within Christianity itself. It is still evolving and changing. For example, marriage vows are a relatively recent (historically speaking) addition – saying "I do" to each other, often without witnesses, was enough for many of our ancestors.

Some changes are more readily accepted than others. There are Christian churches today that are accepting of same-sex relationships, some are also willing to perform Christian same-sex marriages.

Churches such as these are where people who don't fit into the Christian world's "default" can find a spiritual home. And for people with a close relationship with Jesus, a loving spiritual home nourishes the soul and nurtures wellbeing.

It's a known fact that discrimination against LGBTQ+ people results in higher rates of abuse, bullying, self-harm and suicidal ideation than the general population.

Same-sex marriage, whether you like it or not, is legal in Aotearoa, writes Sonya Bateson. Photo / Getty Images

Belonging to a religion can be a protective factor against negative mental health outcomes. I found an overseas study by PhD student Jeremy J Gibbs that showed that "three indicators (ie religious upbringing with unresolved conflict, parental anti-homosexual religious beliefs, and leaving one's religion of origin due to conflict) were found to be associated with suicidal thoughts in the last month ... and two (ie parental anti-homosexual religious beliefs, and leaving one's religion of origin due to conflict) were found to be associated with a suicide attempt in the last year."

In other words, it can be surmised that rejection by one's parents and church community is associated with negative mental health outcomes for LGBTQ+ people.

What was striking about this study was a conclusion drawn by the author: "Leaving one's religion due to the conflict was not associated with better mental health outcomes but instead higher odds of both suicide attempt and suicidal thoughts."

I would love to see the results of a study about the religious acceptance of LGBTQ+ people. My hypothesis is those LGBTQ+ people with religious beliefs who have a church that accepts them would have far fewer mental health crises, possibly even above those without religion.

This is what concerns me about Bethlehem College's Statement of Belief about marriage being "between one man and one woman". In my opinion, it is untrue. Marriage in New Zealand is legally between any two consenting adults. Secondly, LGBTQ+ youths, especially those who have had a religious upbringing, are more vulnerable to mental health crises when their identity is rejected.

While society is far more accepting than it once was of people on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, I believe there are still many places that embrace anti-homosexuality beliefs.

In my view, schools should not be among those places.

-Sonya Bateson is a writer, reader and crafter raising her family in Tauranga. She is a millennial who enjoys eating avocado on toast, drinking lattes and defying stereotypes. As a sceptic, she reserves the right to change her mind when presented with new evidence.

WHERE TO GET HELP

If it is an emergency and you or someone else is at risk, call 111.

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Lifeline: Call 0800 543 354 or text 4357 (HELP)

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Need to talk? Call or text 1737

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For children and young people

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What's Up: Call 0800 942 8787 (11am to 11pm) or webchat (11am to 10.30pm)

The Lowdown: Text 5626 or webchat

For help with specific issues

Alcohol and Drug Helpline: Call 0800 787 797

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OutLine: Call 0800 688 5463 (0800 OUTLINE) (6pm-9pm)

Safe to talk (sexual harm): Call 0800 044 334 or text 4334

All services are free and available 24/7 unless otherwise specified.

For more information and support, talk to your local doctor, hauora, community mental health team, or counselling service. The Mental Health Foundation has more helplines and service contacts on its website.