Ever wonder what happens when couples visit sex therapists? Sex Therapy NZ director in charge of central North Island Mary Hodson, and Helen Mounsey, in charge of the South Island, give the lowdown.
Most couples aren't comfortable chatting about their sex life outside of the bedroom.
But it could be just the thing that saves their relationship.
In today's modern world there are plenty of couples who aren't getting intimate, and relationships are going awry, Tauranga sex therapist Mary Hodson says.
Research shows those having the least sex are full-time working mums and dads "run ragged".
Many adults are tired and overburdened, Hodson says, with global studies showing those who are most sexually active are retirees, who have both time and few responsibilities.
"Younger people often don't have partners, so they've got to find the partner to be able to engage sexually, and parents with young kids under 10 are the ones having the least sex," Hodson says.
However, sex is "the play of adults" and shouldn't go to the bottom of the priority list.
Let's talk about sex (therapy), baby
If the thought of discussing your sex life (or lack thereof) with someone you just met makes you squirmish, rest assured plenty of people are doing it, and if you want some insight, check out the Gwyneth Paltrow-fronted Netflix series Sex, Love and Goop, which features couples interacting with the show's sex and intimacy coaches.
It is similar to what people can expect here, except in the US they have therapists who are allowed to put their hands on your body because they're licensed to do it.
"Nobody [working in sex therapy] has a licence to do that here," Hodson says.
Netflix's other risque show, How to Build a Sex Room, "probably isn't impacting here yet".
There are only a handful of qualified sex therapists or "sexologists" in New Zealand (two are in Tauranga), and demand is high.
Anyone can give sex advice, but Hodson warns to look for someone specifically trained, which means they'll have examined their own attitudes to sexuality as well as having qualified knowledge.
It is a "highly skilled" therapy with many sexologists having medical backgrounds and at least five years of experience in couples work first.
Sexual function, communication, expectations and satisfaction are all addressed in sex therapy, a form of traditional psychotherapy (talk therapy).
Most clients are in their 30s to 50s, and are encouraged to prioritise uninterrupted time together, which is what keeps a strong emotional connection - a basis for long-term sexual connection.
Dysfunction
Hodson says research shows about 43 per cent of the population will have sexual problems or dysfunction in their life that they'll need help with.
The big ones are erectile dysfunction, vaginismus, genital surgery, desire and libido discrepancy, female genital pain, and past sexual trauma.
The more garden-variety issues are differing libidos, managing conflict that people then take into the bedroom, and overuse of porn and masturbation, which can cause lost emotional connection and create a feeling of "transactional sex".
At Sex Therapy New Zealand, people self-refer through the website.
"If they have a true sexual dysfunction, I would expect part of what they want, is either we fix it, or if it's unfixable, I'm working [with them] to find better ways of coping and get more enjoyment and satisfaction."
Despite issues, the number of people having affairs is only about 30 per cent and slightly more men than women.
"Just because you've got sexual problems, doesn't mean one partner is going to go off and meet their sexual needs elsewhere. I hope people can resolve [issues] to the satisfaction of both. Often it is just about talking, rather than avoiding. It's a real shame to let things get to that stage because so much damage is done in between times."
Betrayal
Sometimes, affairs can come out of the blue, even when you think things are solid.
Sue, whose name has been changed to protect her privacy and is not connected with Sex Therapy NZ, was devastated when her partner of more than three decades, father of her adult children, and the one and only man she'd slept with, cheated on her.
Sue forgave him, saying he appeared "incredibly remorseful", and they sought various counselling - some solo, some together - but a number of years later, she found out he'd been internet dating for the past two years. She found 12,000 text messages on his phone between five women, over eight months.
They are no longer together.
"I'm finally starting to come out of the mud," she says.
She went alone to see a sex therapist two years after her ex's first affair when she found herself in a "sexual slump", which she put down to the unaddressed trauma of what had happened.
Connection exercises worked well as far as reconnection, she says, and the couple did get close again, but it didn't stop him from cheating again.
She pulled herself out of a deep depression through counselling, researching, and writing.
She now has a new partner and has come out the other side, but says "the grief was like someone died but he's still walking around on the earth".
She still feels heavy-hearted talking about it.
Dealing with complex subjects like affairs is common, says Sex Therapy NZ director in charge of the South Island Helen Mounsey, but one approach doesn't fit all, including a partner's response of "one infidelity and you're out".
"In therapy, one of the more difficult things for the betrayed partner to come to terms with is that both parties will have had a part to play in the infidelity.
"For example, obsession by one partner with attention gained by online escorts might be matched with distance and resentment from the other partner. A downward spiral, resulting in loss of connection and interest in each other, will likely add to the dynamic," she says.
Relationships are never perfect and a core issue is managing conflict, and despite lots of dialogue there will be things that will remain as differences, no matter what.
Furthermore, being in a long-term relationship doesn't stop each partner from finding other people attractive, Hodson adds.
"What we do in our heads is say 'now I'm in a long-term relationship, I don't pick up, or respond, to those signals'. We choose to be faithful, don't we?"
Love
If you are reading this and recognise there are problems in your relationship, Hodson says to do something about it "straight away".
Start by "ring-fencing" 45 to 60 minutes, three to four times a week, for the two of you to be alone together. To begin with, don't try to make it sexual, "but do get up close and personal so you're relaxed".
Mounsey says further advice would be to be honest with yourself about whether you're taking your partner for granted.
"Occasional date nights are generally not enough in themselves.
"Liking each other is fundamental to real connection. Are we truly interested in each other? How do I show my admiration and appreciation?
"The spark will fade anyway [therefore] it's a good idea to verbally make time to ensure you have a skin-to-skin connection and cuddles without intercourse in mind. Any pressure - implied or otherwise - is counterproductive to feeling turned on."
Hodson says when the time comes, there's no normal number of times a week you should be doing it.
Three big research studies - one global, one American and one Kiwi - done in the early 2000s across 13,000 people - showed about 70 per cent of people thought the most important part of sex was emotional closeness. Of the remaining 30 per cent, only 13 per cent said orgasm.
"If you stop spending any time together, which is why you're together in the first place, and it becomes about making life work for you, then you lose that connection really quickly," Hodson says.
So, can you get the spark back?
She says "yes", but be realistic.
Most people recognise and expect to have the desire but there are a lot of things that come into desire.
Sex hormone peaks at ages 17 to 18, followed by a long plateau, then a slow downward trend, but it never fully disappears.
"The core part of our brain's fundamental purpose in life is survival of the species. Its secondary function is the protection of the individual, so from the day we're born, our brain is developing and pushing us to be sexual beings."
We're also fed unrealistic sex messages from social media and TV, when in reality, it takes time to learn about each other's bodies and time together, to have "consistently good sex".
What's more realistic is your 45 minutes together, three to four times a week, "but don't necessarily think that it's going to be sexual".
"Sex should happen when both people want to."
However, don't let it go to the bottom of the priority list either.
"When we're busy, it's so easy [to do so], but sex is the play of adults. Don't leave it until bedtime, when you have both run out of energy," Hodson says.
"When we get to 13 or 14 we stop playing, but sex is all about giving and receiving pleasure, and it's really important in our life.
"Life can be tough, hard, and difficult, and if you're not getting any pleasure in it, then you start to notice it and start to feel very discontented."
