That's what crossed Detective Senior Sergeant John Wilson's mind when he had one ear on a speaker at a Rotary dinner about to hand out a special award.
Mr Wilson isn't one for social gatherings but he headed along at his wife's request to the Rotary Rotorua North Club event where they were to present the Paul Harris Fellowship for outstanding community service.
His wife, Victim Support volunteer Sonia Wilson, was awarded the honour in 2007, so the couple have since been regular guests of the club.
Since recently resigning from leading his beloved Rotorua police Search and Rescue (SAR) squad, the self-confessed "anti-social b*****d" can now go out and have a beer without the worry of being called out to save someone's life.
So there he was at the dinner last month feeling "fat, dumb and happy", when the details of the award winner were slowly revealed.
Club president Bridgette Lasike dropped clues as she read out the recipient's achievements.
She said the person had contributed huge amounts to the community, not only through work but in his own time, and had seen great sadness and horror as well as joy, happiness and satisfaction.
Mr Wilson said he didn't click she was talking about him.
"It talked about giving to the community and spending time away from family. I was just thinking, 'this sounds like a good bugger'. Then they said this person was born in 1964 and I thought, 'oh, so was I'. Still didn't have a clue."
Half way through Mrs Lasike's speech, he realised "I had been ambushed". It then became apparent that many of the details being read out, he had passed on to a family friend's daughter recently for a supposed social studies project she was doing on "someone interesting".
Mr Wilson is the straight-shooting type without a hint of that robotic police speak. He tells it how it is and admits he's known for his lack of tact and diplomacy.
They are traits he thinks have helped him be such a successful leader - resulting in almost all callouts having a happy ending, a remarkable record for any squad.
But a recent promotion to Detective Senior Sergeant with the Bay of Plenty police organised crime squad means the role and his day job are no longer compatible and it was time for him to let someone else take over. That someone is Constable Colin Fraser.
But Mr Fraser's volunteer ranks have been bolstered significantly because Mr Wilson can't let go completely. He's now joined the volunteer crew, meaning his immense knowledge isn't lost to the squad.
"I've got 16 years' experience and it's still important that the group has access to that, and I'm happy to help out in any way as a volunteer. It also means I can do as much or as little as I want."
Rotorua Land Search and Rescue Volunteer group chairman Cliff Graham said it was a huge bonus to keep Mr Wilson as a volunteer.
"As far as I'm concerned there are only two people ever in the police who have got the experience to be iconic and he is one and the other is Senior Constable Barry Shepherd from Taupo.
"When it comes to SAR, it's no holds barred for John. His concern is finding the person and it's no nonsense and take no prisoners until he finds where that person is. I'm sorry, but we just can't afford to lose someone like that."
Detective Senior Sergeant John Wilson has resigned as leader of the Rotorua police Search and Rescue squad. Photo/Ben Fraser
Mr Wilson said he liked to think he was leaving the squad in better shape than he found it.
He said it was now more professional, better resourced, better trained and had moved with the times in terms of technology.
While he doesn't know exactly how many callouts he's been to, it's roughly about 70 a year - meaning he's clocked up more than 1000.
And out of all of them, he's only had one death, Mabel Jamieson in 2006, and one they failed to find, Kelly Fitzgerald.
Mrs Jamieson was the biggest urban search in New Zealand's history. They searched more than 2500 houses for the partially blind elderly woman over seven days before finding her body behind a shed. She had become lost.
Arising from that was the introduction by Mr Wilson - in conjunction with the Alzheimer's Association and Rotary Rotorua North - of GPS-fitted Wandertrak Pendants. Today, about 56 pendants are used in the community.
Throughout the years, Mr Wilson has missed plenty of family occasions, dinners and birthdays.
"But they (the family) got used to it, it goes with the territory. As far as I was concerned I was responsible for the whole squad. That was how serious I regarded it, it was my baby."
Unfinished business Like deer shooting, it's not the ones you get that you remember, it's the ones that got away.
For Detective Senior Sergeant John Wilson, there's one case that will always be unfinished business.
Young mother Kelly Fitzgerald went missing on August 10, 2009. Mr Wilson remembers it well because it was his birthday.
The 32-year-old's body has never been found, although she has been declared legally dead from drowning in Tikitapu (Blue Lake) after apparently taking her own life.
Coroner Dr Wallace Bain noted in an inquest in 2011 Mrs Fitzgerald suffered from postnatal depression and had tried to take her own life before.
On the day she disappeared, she dropped her son off and went to work for about 45 minutes before telling her boss "I'm not up to it, I just need to go home''.
Late that night her car was found abandoned beside the lake with her keys, wallet and the clothes she was wearing that morning inside.
In the days after her disappearance the lake and surrounding area were thoroughly searched by teams led by Mr Wilson, but her body was not found.
Dr Bain said a note had been found at the Fitzgerald home from her saying: "goodbye and sorry''.
Mr Wilson said it would forever be one of those cases that bugged him because they never found her body.
"I definitely think she's in the lake. Her family are lovely and as a cop you want to do the best by everyone. I wanted to get her back and because we didn't, it's unfinished business."
WHAT IS A PAUL HARRIS FELLOWSHIP? • An award presented by a Rotary club to someone to recognise outstanding community service • Paul Harris was the founder of the Rotary Club movement which started in Chicago, United States in 1905 • To enable a Rotary Club to award a Paul Harris Fellow, it needs to contribute US$1000 to the humanitarian and educational programmes of the Rotary Foundation in the name of the awardee
