Merepeka Raukawa-Tait: Time for family in all its forms

It doesn't matter which way you slice it, family always comes out on top. Family and friends. Ask anybody what they're doing for Christmas and you'll invariably get "spending time with family and friends, going home, having family over, or taking off on Boxing Day to visit family".

Whatever shape or form our family units are today, these are the people we love and want to spend Christmas and summer holidays with. I have met very few people who call Christmas "humbug". Those who do tend to be negative and grumpy.

Perhaps it's because their family never celebrated Christmas. It may not be part of their church's teaching or perhaps the expense of Christmas put any celebration out of their reach. For whatever reason, these people refuse to be excited by Christmas.

I know there are those, too, who miss their loved ones at Christmas, the ones passed on, and without them don't want to celebrate. I don't believe their loved ones would want them to be unhappy at this time of year. We all have wonderful memories of family members who are no longer with us. Why not see Christmas as a time to remember them too in our celebrations? We were so lucky and privileged to have had them in our lives.

For many people, the birth of Christ is not something they are familiar with. Why would they want to celebrate an event that happened in a faraway land 2000 years ago? It's Father Christmas time now for most, with lots of presents all around. And spending time with family is what people want to do. And this must give rise to some interesting family dynamics.

Today our families look very different from what they were 40, 30 or even 20 years ago. Today families can include ex-partners, parents of exes who still remain grandparents, merged families, stepchildren, lovers, adopted children, in-laws and other combinations. What was once a simple uncomplicated family unit is now a criss-cross of multiple relationships. Some, I'm sure, need careful relationship management and navigation.

I know parents who prefer their children's exes to their own children. They got hit hard when those relationships ended. The exes loved and respected the parents. Now that their children have entered into new relationships, these have not always been greeted with enthusiasm by the parents.

It's often the same confusion for children. They had just two sets of grandparents. Now there are other adults on the scene, whether they are viewed as grandparents or not, sometimes they replace the grandparents of old. The ones the children know and love. Children do transfer their affections but it takes time. I always find it sad when I hear children have lost touch with half their family; aunts, uncles, almost always their cousins.

Regrettably this time of the year can be the most dangerous for some families. Tis the season of family violence. At a time when families should be happy and safe in each other's company, stress levels rise. Alcohol will play a big part in fuelling domestic violence.

Women's refuges around the country will be hoping this will not be the case. Some are already at full capacity but no woman and her children seeking help and support from refuge will be turned away. They are on-call 365 days a year. If anyone knows the "other side of Christmas cheer" it is refuge women. I wish them a very quiet Christmas.