Merepeka Raukawa-Tait: Passions can fade or flame

Well, what do you know? Seniors have sex. Some as often as once a day, some weekly. Good on them. A recent survey confirms that having sex isn't just for young people. Although I have often heard it said "sex is wasted on youth". Rather unfair. When we were young we certainly didn't hold that view. Surprising how cynical we get as we get older.

The survey of 700 people over the age of 50 admittedly a relatively small sample group, already fun loving and outgoing, showed up some interesting results. One was that just over 14 per cent of the survey respondents said they have sex only on special occasions.

Are we talking birthdays and wedding anniversaries here? Remember this is the age group that most probably did get married when younger. If that's the case - what a poor showing. This would mean no more than three to five times a year. Better to include public holidays along with Christmas and New Year. This would substantially lift the number of "feel good" days. Imagine having to "wait until your birthday" which may not be until next February and it's only just the beginning of September. And I can't agree with the often heard remark "sex isn't all that it's cracked up to be". I would suggest whoever makes this statement hasn't often had great sex. With the right person it's all that and then some!

Perhaps the dilemma comes when love leaves a relationship and just irregular, occasional sex remains. It's not usually enough to sustain a relationship long-term. Or if it does, the relationship has merely become a habit, comfortable yet empty. And it's surprising how many couples settle for that. Sex for some couples will always be an important part of their loving relationship. It remains a mutual giving and receiving act. But each couple is different. I believe it's far more important for couples to communicate how they feel.

Telling your partner often, why you love them. Why they're special. Why you love being with them. From the studies I have read giving and receiving love, with sex included, has a number of benefits. You dramatically increase your sense of well being and tend to have a youthful outlook. You look better and feel fitter and are generally more pleasant to be around. Most of all it confirms what you've always known, you're still desirable to your partner. If this is true then sex is very empowering and self affirming.

But what about couples who want to take the time to reflect on "the life that once was". The film Hope Springs, now showing, portrays this. Initially it focussed on what the woman found was missing in her marriage. Being noticed and being touched. Feeling loved. The couple visit a sex therapist which was definitely not what the husband wanted. I can't imagine sharing with a stranger, whether sex therapist or counsellor, the intimate side of my sex life. How often you have sex. What you like doing. Which position you prefer. No wonder the husband wanted to run a mile. But the film was real in that it shows what can happen in a marriage over years.

Couples live together in a marriage but lacking in love. The touching, and caring about the feelings of the other, all but disappeared. Essentially living with a house friend rather than the "loving partner" he or she once was. But Hope Springs eternal in the film and all is not lost.

And for seniors it's not all doom and gloom. The survey does show that many over 50s Kiwis are having a lot of sex. I do find it odd though that some people believe sex is something you unpack for special occasions. If possible it should remain an integral and active part of a satisfying and loving relationship. Perhaps we should all consider celebrating Christmas more often, say at least once a week if we can't manage daily. I would be prepared to give it my best shot!