Merepeka Raukawa-Tait: Gay and lesbian parents

Most of my gay and lesbian friends have children. They had them before and in some cases, after they began their relationships but two couples are currently hoping to adopt children. They will only be successful if a bill currently being drafted to legalise adoption by same sex couples gets through Parliament.

Our Adoption Act was passed in 1955. It outlawed gay adoptions. The prevailing view at that time was the best interests of the child would not be served with same sex parents. The home environment would be an unnatural one, and not conducive to rearing a well-adjusted child.

Today the climate is very different and so is the make-up of the family unit. Homosexual Law Reform has been enacted and we now have Civil Unions so it does seem strange that we would have to give this matter a second thought.

Theo and I had a young student staying with us for six months while she completed her studies. Her parents are lesbian.

I can't recall when I found out they were a couple. We became friends first so the nature of their relationship wasn't a big deal. I learnt long ago "being judgmental" causes you to soon lose friends rather than make them. Their daughter was a pleasure to have.

She was a happy, well-adjusted young woman. She was respectful too and it was obvious she had been brought up in a loving and caring home.

But her early years with her mother and father were very unhappy ones, she told me. She was pleased when they finally separated.

She said she still loved her father but her parent's constant fighting frightened her. She was convinced her mother would be killed.

She talked openly with me about growing up with two mothers and what their home environment was like. It was obvious she loved both women.

She did say though she was cautious about who she told, especially when she met people for the first time. Adults were the ones who made hurtful and unkind remarks. Her friends at school didn't seem to care but their parents certainly did.

Many friendships were cut short when parents found out their children's new friend had lesbian parents. I never knew there were so many names for lesbians - she would laugh when rattling them all off.

Yet there was a slight air of sadness about this beautiful young woman. She asked me why adults were so cruel with their comments about lesbian and gay couples even though they appeared to know little about the loving people they were.

I reassured her it was not all adults. They are just who they are. I said we take the view "it's not so much who you love but that you have the capacity to love". Although attitudes can and do change overtime, not all people can handle what they don't understand.

It's usually fear of the unknown that causes a reaction. I always felt that the fear stemmed from the belief that children brought up in same sex homes would obviously turn out to be "that way too". But this has proven not to be the case.

What is true is that children of gay and lesbian parents are far more tolerant and understanding of differences.

Bringing children up in a loving and caring home environment is the ideal "head start" for them. But to assume this environment can only be provided with a male and female parent is wrong.

I look at most of the couples I know today and many are in second or third marriages. The couples tell me they stayed in their loveless marriages for the sake of the children. They may be surprised to learn their children might have preferred a home life without parents who constantly bickered, argued and fought.

Children will often disclose they wished their parents had separated earlier. Interestingly they say their parents got on better once separated.

It's love that works magic in the home. This can be provided by a mother and father, and any other combination of "loving parents". And if you're wondering about the young woman. Did she become what was feared she would, a lesbian like her mothers? No. She's married, has a successful career with a family of her own.