Kevin Page: Three down, just the last one to go

A box of tissues is handy for families facing university orientation. Photo / Thinkstock

I'm thinking the manufacturers of tissues will make a fortune this week.

That's because, from what I have seen and heard, a lot of parents are sending their progeny off to university. And a fair few tears are being shed.

Having sent three of our four off to the hallowed halls of education Mrs P and I can attest to the fact tears do flow - for reasons of both sadness (that they are going) and happiness (er, that they are going) - and having the tissues on standby is very useful.

Of course I'm kidding. No matter how much of a pain in the proverbial they can be at times you still miss them when they are gone. But it's nice to know that last bit of ham you left in the fridge for a special treat will still be there when you open the door the next day.

Anyway. Here are a few tips to help those among you are about to pack your little one into the family wagon and take them to their new home for the next few years.

Take plenty of tissues. See above.

Take one of those hand trolleys on wheels to assist with moving things about. Even if you don't think you'll need it, at some stage you will have to move something large. Invariably to the top floor of some accommodation or other. It is also vital to make it available to others who will be impressed with your general willingness to assist. Having a "cool dad" helps with your child's first day reputation.

Take lots of money. Despite the car being so full you cannot fit a sliver of paper in, your child will have forgotten something and you will have to buy it. The item will never be used and you will bring it home after your first visit. You will also be expected to buy lunch and/or dinner. Note: Experienced uni students will suddenly appear when the word "pizza" is mentioned.

Check out new dorm/flatmates discreetly. First impressions count. It is likely these people will form firm friendships with your child for the rest of their life. One may even end up betrothed to your little boy or girl. Best not to go overboard with the warnings (dads, you know what I mean). You don't want them to be wary of you forever.

Ignore the invitation on the door to the second year's toga party. She/he will go. They will drink too much. Even though they said they wouldn't. Deal with it.

Turn the television off if the news highlights mention coming coverage of a drunken riot at a toga party.

Upon returning home, however much you may want to, do not change one thing in the room left behind. This is their security blanket. Forever. Throwing everything out, redecorating and taking in a family of refugees may make you feel good but when he/she gets home your life will not be worth living. Wait at least 10 years. If you are lucky you can then take a book from the shelf. They will still know something has moved.

Get a calendar to mark off the date your child will return for their first break. Be prepared though. They will bring 10 friends and you will run out of food, your TV will be commandeered and your beer or wine stash will be given a serious nudge.

Note: On this occasion you may be informed "a significant other" will be, er, "reclining" with your cherub during their stay. Take a deep breath and go find your emergency beer/wine stash.

Then after all that, and when you've finally worked out your little one is all grown up and doing just fine in the big bad world without you holding their hand every day, go and see if there are any tissues laying around.

You might just need them.

-Kevin Page has been a journalist for 35 years. He hasn't made enough money to retire after writing about serious topics for years so he's giving humour a shot instead.