Kevin Page: They'll eat up my cooking show

This week Mrs P and I plonked ourselves down in front of the TV just in time for one of the many cooking programmes filling our screens.

It had been a tough day for us. Hard yakka at work, followed by 30 minutes being dragged round the streets by our new puppy.

We didn't feel like making a proper dinner. It was one of those occasions when an "easy" tea was called for. You know the sort of thing: baked beans, a toastie, something thrown in the microwave ...

As I savoured my baked beans I was treated to an Australian couple doing something exotic with chicken and vegetables. It left me decidedly ashamed that my meagre attempts had basically been provided for me courtesy of a can opener and a toaster.

But it got me thinking. Surely, the "real" people of the world, those of us with nine to five jobs, kids to pick up after school, footie practice to get to etc, don't have the chance to be particularly flash in the kitchen. What are they doing for tea tonight?

Welcome to my new TV programme - EasyChef Rotorua. I'm gonna make a fortune.

For reasons of expediency (and the fact I've only got 600 words to play with), you'll have to imagine we've gone through 10 weeks of kitchen chaos to get to the final at Briscoes (where else?) Imagine the drama. And what about the finalists?

Bill and Rangi are forestry worker flatmates from Koutu. They love the Warriors and a good feed. They like a nice red with their food. Lion Red.

Best friends Cheryl and Ange are from Pukehangi. The kids rule their lives and they're always heading off to some football practice or dance class, little cherubs in tow. In their rare free time the girls like to cook with wine and have a giggle. Sometimes the wine makes it into the food.

Russell and Audrey are retired. They live out east. Ultra conservative Russell surprised everyone in programme five when he used non-budget brand baked beans in a dish. It caused some friction, with the other contestants accusing him of "big noting".

And what about the judges? I could've gone for some celebrities but my budget's a bit tight so I've gone for my mates Ron and Brent. They are keen golfers and are like a comedy duo, without knowing it. Ron knows everything about horses and Brent likes Thai food. Perfect.

So here we go. "Action!"

Ron: So Bill and Rangi, what have you got for us here?

Bill: It's a cheese toastie, bro.

Ron: I noticed you sliced the cheese in an interesting, jagged way, any reason for that?

Bill: I cut my hand in the bush, so I'm having to use my other one. I mangled the cheese a bit.

Brent: It tastes very nice though, and I like that extra little bit of tomato sauce on the side there. Lovely presentation.

Bill: Oh, sorry, bro that's not tomato sauce. The hand must've started bleeding again.

Next up it's Cheryl and Ange.

Brent: I love these chips. It must have taken you ages to cut them like shoestrings, and those chicken nuggets are cooked to perfection. You could sell those at McDonald's.

Cheryl: Do they do returns?

Ange: Sshhh Cheryl.

Cut to a commercial break as my legal team checks if takeaway food can be allowed. It's not. Cheryl and Ange are escorted from the kitchen by security. They aren't too bothered. They've got to get the kids to judo and they'll sell their story to a women's magazine.

We return as Russell and Audrey deliver boiled eggs to Ron and Brent.

Ron (moved to tears and obviously easily persuaded): They look like golf balls on the tee. You win.

Yep, pure TV gold.