Kevin Page: Soup slip up leads to doghouse

I am not a great vege or salad fan. I positively shiver at the sight of a tomato.THIS column is coming to you today from the doghouse. And I'm in it.

It's all to do with soup and sausages.

Well, more particularly it's all to do with the reaction to soup and sausages.

Let me explain.

This week, Mrs P and I decided we should get more organised for the winter evenings and prepare some hearty meals, full of goodness - which basically means full of vegetables.

I am not a great vege or salad fan. I positively shiver at the sight of a tomato and I believe lettuce was invented by retailers so they could cheat you out of a reasonable amount of meat in your sandwich/roll/pita/wrap. Check it out next time, you'll see what I mean.

But Mrs P is a nurse and prides herself on organising a balanced, healthy diet for us. The plan is we'll live longer and be healthy.

I can see her logic but I'm not entirely convinced I won't just live longer, be healthy but also be downright miserable because I've got to eat stuff like lettuce and celery (don't get me started on celery!).

Having said all that Mrs P does make a rather tasty vege soup. I don't exactly streak round the house in celebration when she makes it but it would be fair to categorise me as a fan.

The key I believe is the bacon bone. It adds a certain salty something.

Unfortunately (for me), this week Mrs P, revolutionary in the kitchen that she is, decided to replace the bacon bone with a ham bone. I understand the ham bone may be a healthier option but for me its akin to Tip Top replacing the additives in their ice cream with "natural" alternatives. Why mess with what you know and like?

Anyway, there was a flurry of activity over a couple of hours and every pot, pan, spoon, ladle etc that she has ever bought from Briscoes was employed until the soup stood before me in a massive cauldron the witches of Macbeth would've been proud of.

"What do you think?," my beloved asked as I downed the sample she offered.

Now us men know that question is right up there with, "Does my bum look big in this?" and we know the required response. Unfortunately my grimace gave the game away ... and the door to the doghouse opened.

And then it got worse.

That night I forgot to put the by then cooled soup in the fridge. I am sure it is okay but Mrs P is convinced insects have dribbled on it. But because I assured her it is okay I can't really throw it away.

I've thought of pretending I've eaten it while shoving a bit of it down the loo each day but there's gallons of it (all testament to my wife's sterling efforts) and dumping it would likely cause some unrest at the wastewater treatment plant.

So yesterday I thought I'd try and do something thoughtful and make tea. I bought her some vegetarian sausages. Which is really just a hunk of non-meat "stuff" shaped to look like a sausage. Why is that? Surely if you're a vegetarian you wouldn't want to be seen near anything that resembles a sausage.

They tasted like curried cardboard. I think the heat is added to smother the cardboard taste. It doesn't work. Mrs P thanked me for my efforts, dumped her sausages down the gurgler and took herself off to bed ... where I'd forgotten to turn her electric blanket on.

Groan. The occupied sign just went up at the doghouse.

Hopefully the dust will settle soon and I'll be out of the butcher's freezer where all the cold shoulders are stored. But until then I might need a couch to sleep on if anyone can put me up. Of course I wouldn't come empty handed. I'd bring dinner.

How'd you feel about soup and sausages?