Ingrid Tiriana: A taste of old fashioned table manners

My Hungarian grandmother used to have a saying - if you eat everything on the table, the sun will shine tomorrow.

A full family was a happy family in her book and nothing gave her greater satisfaction than seeing all the food she'd prepared for a meal disappearing into the stomachs of those seated around the table. Having said that, there was absolutely no question that you would at least eat what was put on your plate - that was non-negotiable. You did not leave the table or get dessert unless your plate was empty.

Didn't like something she'd cooked? Didn't matter - you ate it anyway. Not that I can recall her ever presenting me with anything I didn't like. What I liked the most were sugar sandwiches, thick slices of white bread, slathered in butter and sprinkled with white sugar. It is not something one would feed a child these days but when I was a kid, it was a special treat.

My grandmother trained her children so well that when my dad was courting my mum he felt the same obligation to consume everything that was on the table when he was invited for his first dinner with her family. My mum was one of 13 children and while nobody ever went hungry, food was not to be scoffed and the meat that was on the table of a Sunday dinner was intended to last for at least another meal. From all accounts my dad's shins got a good working out the first time he tried to eat all the meat at his mother-in-law's.

Growing up, my parents adopted the "you don't get dessert until you finish what's on your plate" mantra and the expectation was that they would not have to remind you that you ate what you were given, without any complaint. Thankfully, my mum never made the likes of tripe and only very occasionally presented us with kidney or liver or silverbeet with white sauce, all of which I struggled to get - and keep - down.

These days, there aren't too many things I don't like and I love veges. Brussels sprouts are a favourite.

My Hungarian grandmother's food philosophy would be unlikely to wash with many families these days. Today's children need to be coerced into eating, by all accounts. They need options. Maybe the fact they expect options is because there are so many these days and they are more aware than we were when we were young.

A University of Otago researcher who spoke at a conference in Rotorua last week says children learn pretty early on that food is a great way to control their parents and she admits that in her own household, some of the biggest battles she faces with her own children involve food.

She says parents need to approach food differently and that this might go a long way to preventing obesity in children. It's a problem which she says affects as many as a third of Kiwi pre-schoolers - a scary figure.

Associate Professor Rachael Taylor says by adopting "coercive behaviours" when feeding their children, using food to reward good behaviour, taking it away as a punishment, parents might actually be impairing their children's ability to manage food.

She says children should be given some control but food should not be used to punish or reward them. Bribery then, is out.

It's easier said than done. Children are great at pushing the boundaries - and toying with their parents' sanity. My niece when she was younger often said she wasn't hungry but would then ask for treats. One morning after a sleepover she decided to check how alert her aunty was and asked for biscuits for breakfast. She was unsuccessful.

Children are born to test us I guess. They certainly do their best to outwit, outlast and outplay.

Ingrid Tiriana is a freelance writer based in Rotorua