KEY POINTS:
- "Kāore he aroha nui atu i te aroha o te māmā ki tāna tamaiti mātāmua (there's no love greater than that of a mother for her firstborn)," says widow and stroke survivor Colleen Walters, whose eldest son Tipi is her full-time caregiver.
If ever there's a reason to celebrate the
matriarchs of our families, it's Mother's Day. Through trial and tribulation, mums hold down the home fort, providing much-needed comfort and solace. Carly Gibbs speaks to four mothers and their firstborn children about their special bond.
Colleen and Justin Tipiwhenua "Tipi" Walters
"Kāore he aroha nui atu i te aroha o te māmā ki tāna tamaiti mātāmua (there's no love greater than that of a mother for her firstborn)," says widow Colleen, 47, whose eldest son Tipi, 28, is her fulltime caregiver.
In 2018, the whānau were living in Melbourne when Colleen returned to New Zealand to farewell her uncle Paeahi Ranginui Wanakore, who was unwell.
He died while she was here, and the night before his burial, she collapsed at Te Rereatukahia Marae while playing the guitar.
She suffered two burst aneurysms and two strokes within a week, leaving her with paralysis on the left side of her body.
"I really believe his death brought me home for my safety. I was surrounded by my nearest and dearest."
Now living in Rotorua, sons Tipi and Michael, 21, have moved home to be by her side.
Colleen's husband, Boy Rangihau, died in 2014 at age 57 of a ruptured aneurysm - the same condition that nearly took Colleen's life.
What makes your relationship special?
Colleen: He is my first love and firstborn and named after my late grandfather Tipiwhenua Walters, who raised me on his own, from the time I was 2. [Tipi] is a constant reminder to me of my koro. We've been through a lot together. I was a solo mother and met his father Boy Rangihau when Tipi was three years old. Boy was the only father Tipi knew.
Tipi: She brought me into this world and I am her first child.
What's been a personal experience between the two of you that has especially touched your heart?
Colleen: Tipi and his then partner flew to Perth in 2014 to experience life over there, and his father and I dropped them off at the airport. His father's parting words were: 'Make sure you look after each other'. A month later, Tipi had to fly home for his father's funeral. It broke my heart to see him standing at the gate of the marae in the middle of the night. He stayed in New Zealand for a few weeks afterwards to make sure his younger brother Michael and I were okay. I will forever be grateful to him for that.
Tipi: Just knowing I have her support throughout my lifetime. I will forever hold on to those moments.
What is the greatest lesson you've learnt from each other?
Colleen: To be humble and not be ashamed to accept a helping hand.
Tipi: Time is precious. Enjoy the moments with the people you love.
How has your relationship evolved?
Colleen: Our relationship has done a full 360 where once I was the carer and protector, it has now become Tipi's role to look after me.
Tipi: This is the first time I have been back with my mother since I was 16 and left home. Now aged 28, and back with mum, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
How will you celebrate Mother's Day?
Colleen: Hopefully getting some 'nice' photos; a big kai; and drink the wine that Tipi is going to give me.
Tipi: Get mum some wine and chocolates.
Tineke and Maisie O'Callaghan
Tineke and Maisie share a love of shopping and fashion, and occasionally share wardrobes.
"We have a bond that is greater than your typical mother-daughter bond. We have a lot of trust in each other and can openly talk, knowing the other will listen," says Tineke, 40.
"A bonus of Maisie only being 13 is that she's not too big to give her mum a snuggle - when I time it right."
Tineke is a team leader at Mokoia Intermediate and Maisie, who models and is a competitive dancer, attends Rotorua Lakes High.
They live with dad Steven, 40, managing director of O'Callaghan Roofing, and sister Lydia, 11.
What makes you smile when you think about each other?
Tineke: Maisie has the most infectious, genuine laugh. When I think of her in hysterics, it's impossible not to smile. She has a kind, gentle nature, and always thinks about others, which makes me so proud of the young lady she is. Most of all, knowing that Maisie is my daughter is enough to make me smile because she is mine and I love her.
Maisie: Mum is creative and colourful. When she gets an idea in her head she makes sure she gets it done and never gives up. She always does nice things for our family and makes sure that we're happy. Everything about my mum makes me smile because she is my amazing mum, and I love her.
Being a mum might look easy from a distance but it is so much harder close up. What do you think makes a good mum?
Tineke: One who loves their child unconditionally and does whatever it takes to ensure their child is happy, healthy and loved. They help shape them into being the amazing person they are capable of being; encouraging and supporting them to believe in themselves; and follow their dreams. A good mum not only tells their child they love them every day but shows them with kind, caring actions. They are selfless and will make personal sacrifices for the betterment of their child without giving it a second thought.
Maisie: A person who likes kids is a good start. Kind and caring, and likes to spend time with them. She provides a good home and looks after everyone in it; and gives encouragement, believes in you, and makes you feel loved.
Mums are often the first person we call when we have a piece of news, a question or a worry. What about each other makes it easy to open up? And how has your relationship evolved?
Tineke: Maisie was a very sick baby and was in and out of hospitals [with stomach and bowel issues]. I had to be strong for her and put on a brave face. By the time she was 6, she no longer required hospital treatment, however, we discovered that she was dyslexic. Again, I had to, and still do, reassure her that things will be okay. I constantly remind her how amazing, strong and beautiful she is. Maisie has endured a lot, but she is courageous, resilient and has the most incredible perseverance. She inspires me and reminds me that there is nothing we can't achieve if we put our minds to it. We talk openly, listen, and cherish our special bond.
Maisie: We talk a lot with each other and trust each other. If I'm having a bad day I can tell mum and she will give advice and help me to fix it. I know I can always rely on mum.
How will you celebrate Mother's Day together?
Tineke: A nice day hanging out at home with Maisie making her usual pancake breakfast in bed for me, followed by her and Lydia's pop-up home restaurant for dinner with oma and opa (my mum and dad Irene and Greig Holland) coming to share in the celebration.
Maisie: Cook breakfast for mum and deliver it to her in bed on a tray with her favourite Earl Grey tea. Lydia and I will probably do a restaurant at home for mum and oma, where I will cook and Lydia will be the waitress. I'd like to try and make them a special mocktail to have with dinner.
Amanda and Eli Hoffman
Only son Eli is a great help and friend to his mum, Amanda.
Their favourite thing to do is watch TikTok videos and listen to music, including "cool 90s hip-hop that I force him to listen to on the way to school in the mornings", quips Amanda, 41. "Eli definitely keeps me young at heart."
For five and a half years Eli was an only child and travelled regularly with Amanda, who works in digital marketing, and his New Yorker dad Garrett, who's lived in New Zealand since 2007.
Now aged 12, he has two sisters - Aurora, 6, and Delilah, 3; and is house captain at Rotorua Intermediate. In 2017, the family moved from Auckland to Amanda's home town of Rotorua.
What's the hardest thing about mother-son relationships?
Amanda: Giving Eli more responsibility as he gets older. I'm reluctant to let him go too far without me, but I also know how important it is for him to have his own experiences, and a chance to grow and be independent.
Eli: When one of us falls or gets emotional, it is important for the other person to be there. I don't like seeing my mum upset.
What's one important life lesson you've taught each other?
Amanda: That life doesn't have to be serious all the time. We have our children at home for such a short time and I'm learning to enjoy the little things we experience together.
Eli: To respect each other because when you don't respect the other person, they won't respect you back.
What's a personal experience between the two of you that has especially touched your heart?
Amanda: Having Eli at my side the day my grandmother Coralie passed away. It was a special day to share with him, and a chance for us to realise how precious time with your loved ones is.
Eli: When we were moving from Auckland to Rotorua, I didn't want to leave my home and school friends. We took a photo in front of our old house and it was a special moment because I knew we were going on to other adventures.
How will you celebrate Mothers Day?
Amanda: Pancakes in bed, accompanied by my children delivering handmade cards and gifts. I love a lunch out too.
Eli: Going shopping and out for lunch - some of mum's favourite things.
Amanda and Hayley De Bruin
Dental receptionist and solo mum Amanda, 37, jokes that her only child, Hayley, 14, is her "little broke best friend".
The close mother-daughter duo have a love for anything arty, as well as animation movies, nature, and a "passion" for cats. "Not only do we have our own cats, Chops, Vinnie and Maggie, but we foster cats for Tauranga's Wild Whiskers."
When were you proudest of each other?
Amanda: Hayley has had to face many challenges - good and bad - over the years, including immigrating to New Zealand from South Africa eight years ago; bullying; the loss of loved ones; and recently breaking her artistic arm. The way she has handled each challenge has made me so proud. Not once did she allow any of it to break her spirit. Her perseverance and stubbornness make her who she is today.
Hayley: I'm always proud of my mum.
Being a mum might look easy from a distance but it is so much harder close up. What do you think makes a good mum?
Amanda: Besides sharing your favourite Turkish Delight chocolates, I think it's to show up for your child. They're still learning the life skills that we as adults have already obtained. It's up to us to help them through these challenges and to remind them that we were once teenagers too.
Hayley: I love her cooking, especially her lasagne, and how she parents me - she doesn't bug me. I can be open and she accepts me for who I am. I love this quality. No judgments. That's what makes me love her so much.
The teenage years are often fraught with worry for a mum and a time of growing independence for a girl. How have you both worked to keep the lines of communication open?
Amanda: Since Hayley was young, I taught her the importance of communication. We have an open relationship and respect each other's boundaries.
Hayley: My mum is always there if I need to talk to her. She's one of my best friends.
How will you celebrate Mother's Day?
Amanda: Knowing us we will probably be sleeping in, and then cuddling on the couch for the rest of the day watching cartoons. Hayley wants to become an animator.
Hayley: A movie day, and just chill.