Brian Holden: Person next door none too helpful

It seems that all household computers are infected with a certain deadly virus that needs to be removed. Why else would cold callers offer their services from remote parts of the world to solve the problem for you?

It's a scam and allowing such crooks to take control of your computer by remote access can have disastrous consequences. While the And Another Thing team was away, our house sitter warned us of such a persistent caller and to expect more calls when we returned. Sure enough, two days after our homecoming the phone rang - and I was ready for it. The conversation went like this:

Caller: Hello, am I speaking to Mr Brian Holden?

Me: Aaah, yes, you are (you really do have to say "Yes").

Caller: I am calling from Microsoft to advise that your computer is infected with virus which needs check and fix.

Me: Aaah, well actually Mr Holden is still away on holiday.

Caller: Oh - well can I speak to the person who does the decision-making in the house please?

Me: We don't have any decision-makers in this house. It is a place of free open environment, where people simply stay a night or so, then move on. No decision-makers here, sir.

Caller: Is there a computer in the house?

Me: No, sorry, there are no computers here (our house is full of them).

Caller: But every house have computer.

Me: No, sorry. Computers are harmful for social good. We don't even have a phone.

Caller: Ah, but you do have phone, sir. I calling you right now.

Me: (The conversation starts to get silly). No, sir, no phone here. You calling person next door.

Caller: They have computer next door?

Me: No, sir. No computer next door - only phone.

Caller: (after a silence). You waste my time, I offer you helpful service and you waste my time.

Me: You waste my time too. Tell you what - you go away now and I hang up. No more time wasted and we both be happy. Okay?

Silence - then phone reverts to a steady dial tone.

A week has passed and I haven't heard from him since. But in a few months he'll be back. His sort never gives up.

The largest lottery prize ever has been won in Florida. On May 18, Powerball dished out US$590.5 million ($730.9 million), or US$371 million after tax, to a single winner. Whoop-de-do! Trying not to sound a tad envious, you really do have to wonder, why in a world with such widespread poverty, one individual can be allowed to score such an obscene amount of money. For starters, what can one do with such a mountain of moolah? It's like being escorted into a huge dining hall with rows of tables groaning with roast dinners and told "Get yer gills around that lot, m'lad".

Such disgustingly huge windfalls are immoral and should be capped at sensible amounts. Of course, one person's sensible amount differs with another's. But surely divvying up the above amount into a couple of dozen $15 million lots would create the same amount of ecstasy among so many more people. Even $1 million per winner would still have them jumping for joy.

So come on lottery boards world-wide, how about doing something to stop all this instant mega-wealth silliness? Anyway, winning large amounts of money often ends up in broken relationships and families, and loss of friends. The striving for the good life quickly loses its purpose. Result - misery.

Having said all this, our very own Kiwi lotto winner, Trev, from Te Kauwhata, is still happily chewing through his $26 million at a phenomenal rate, acquiring houses, trucks and a selection of big boys' toys. Life is great, it seems, if his broad smile is anything to go by.