Kevin Page: Puckering up for the perfect pash

Kevin Page

About this time every year the mistletoe tree out the front of my place gets ravaged by passers-by.

It's obvious to me they are grabbing bits of my tree to steal a festive snog from, well, basically anyone who is up for it. I'm sure you ladies can picture the guy standing next to you, mistletoe held above your head and coughing: "Ahem, I see you're standing under the mistletoe. You know what that means ..." There are two reasons why this is of concern.

The first is my "mistletoe" may in fact be rosemary and standing there holding a sprig of that above your head could make you look, well, a bit of a dork really.

The second reason is the importance of making sure you deliver the correct festive smooch. Not necessarily under the mistletoe, or rosemary as the case may be, but the perfect pash could set you up for a very merry time indeed.

Here are five types of holiday kiss and some advice on getting it just right.

The Grandma Grab: As the name suggests this is all about Grandma. From the day you were born she has become trained to grab your cheeks and pull you towards her. As a youngster it was nice and comforting. As you got older it became downright embarrassing, especially as grandma developed a bit of a wrinkly pucker most commonly associated with the loss of her choppers. Go with it. This one is all about love and affection. Just cross your fingers and hope she doesn't cough and spit her teeth in your face.

The Girlfriend Grope: One for the youngies. Very much dependent on raging hormones and involving deep, apparently meaningful, tonsil-tickling as inspired by the latest Hollywood money-grabber. Unfortunately (from a father's point of view) seems to be accompanied by the need for hands to run all over the body. Now, young men, while this may come across as an acceptable rite of passage, just remember fathers have long memories and some day you may find yourself alone with him. Also, don't drink too much and get it mixed up with The Grandma Grab or you could find yourself in a very interesting situation indeed.

The Wowing Wife: Okay, so it's a festive season morning and you've woken up. Before there's an avalanche of kids, before you have to go out and restock the fridge, fill the gas bottle, do the lawns etc, before all that. Take your woman in your arms and in a deep Italian voice say: "I want to keees you." Then let her have it, guys. A full-on belter of a pash for no reason whatsoever. Just give it your best shot. Knock her socks off (if she's wearing socks in bed). Avoid any hint of The Girlfriend Grope. This has to be about her and how much you care for her and appreciate all she does. If you get it right, she should have a smile on her face all day. Once you let her come up for breath you could even make her a cuppa in bed. Wait till her breathing returns to normal before telling her you are off to play golf.

The Working Wonder: Work situations throw up a difficult obstacle course. If you have worked with your intended subject for a reasonable amount of time, it is perfectly acceptable to throw a friendly peck in with the festive season hug. Difficulties can arise if the new office junior is subjected to the same treatment. Innocent attentions can be misconstrued as The Girlfriend Grope, in which case you could find yourself in prison looking forward to The Grandma Grab each visiting weekend. Best to stick to a formal handshake.

The Stranger Smooch: Most commonly associated with loosened inhibitions come New Year's Eve. Clean your teeth. Freshen your breath. It could come from anywhere at any time. It could be any one of the above examples. You may want to give them all a go. Or maybe someone will want to offer you a festive pash. Of course you can say no, just make a judgment call at the time. But if you see a guy wondering around with a bit of rosemary hanging out of his back pocket, steer clear. He's a thief and he knows nothing about gardening.

Footnote: The writer would like to thank Mrs P for her assistance with research for this column.