Swapping the fist for the haka: Eugene Ryder on controlling aggression

Black Power gang member and community social worker Eugene Ryder.

People working in family violence gathered last week at Te Wānanga O Aotearoa in Glenview for the Waikato Women's Refuge Partnering for Whānau symposium.

This was the first time the organisation had held such an event to focus on the challenges people face when dealing with domestic violence.

Speakers at the two-day event included women refuge advocates, government workers, researchers, family lawyers, iwi and community groups and perpetrators and victims of domestic violence.

This was the first time the organisation had held such an event to focus on the challenges people face when dealing with domestic violence.

Waikato Women's Refuge business manager Renee Riwi says it was important for everyone to come together so that they can work to be on the same page and improve the system.

"The aim was to bring all the organisations together in one area to be able to network and share their stories," Renee says.

While many took to the stage to talk about their programmes and strategies within their organisations, one of the most captivating speakers was Eugene Ryder — both a domestic violence perpetrator and survivor.

Speakers at the two-day event included women refuge advocates, government workers, researchers, family lawyers, iwi and community groups and perpetrators and victims of domestic violence.

The Black Power gang member and community social worker told the crowd about how he learned to control his aggression and how he equipped his 'tool box' with more than just a hammer.

He now helps other men like him to do the same.

Eugene grew up in a world full of domestic abuse — a world he believed to be normal and the only way of life.

Black Power gang member and community social worker Eugene Ryder.

"The world I was brought up in was what I thought it meant to be Māori," Eugene says.

As a child he and his sibling suffered abuse at home.

Eugene later became a ward of the state and stayed in homes all over the country where he continued to face abuse.

Abuse became a generational trait and Eugene grew to be aggressive and abusive.

"When you're brought up in that sort of situation you grow up thinking that's all you know," Eugene says.

His battle with inflicting abuse on someone went on for years and well into his married and family life.

Eugene was so scared of himself that when he and his wife had their first daughter he would not let himself be alone with her.

"My wife just saw it as being lazy but I didn't want to hurt her and become my father."

"I wouldn't even change her nappies.

"My wife really wasn't happy about that."

For many years Eugene says he only had one 'tool' in his toolbox, a hammer, which was in the form of a fist.

It's been 12 years since he used that tool and now uses other tools, like the haka, when aggression is triggered.

"Just because I haven't hit anyone in a long time doesn't mean I don't ever turn to my aggression side or to the hammer," Eugene says.

"It's just about how I control that now."