Baby loss support group Sands Taupō/Rotorua helps grieving parents

Taupō/Rotorua coordinator for Sands Steph Weston holds her 'huggable heart' which represents her baby Connor who died at just one hour old. Photo / Dan Hutchinson

“They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to help you get through the death of a baby,” Steph Weston said.

Weston is the Taupō/Rotorua coordinator for Sands, a group dedicated to helping grieving parents through their baby loss journey.

She hopes to raise awareness for the group so that parents don’t have to go through this difficult time alone.

“Whether you lose a baby through early miscarriage, stillbirth, medical termination, or perinatal death, Sands is a safe space of understanding, empathy, and support.”

Weston knows the pain all too well, having lost her first child, Connor, in 2018. She told Waikato Herald it is a tough journey, but no one has to face it alone.

“I got to full-term with him and went into the hospital not knowing anything was wrong, he was born and died an hour later,” Weston said.

She said it was rough.

“As soon as you get a positive pregnancy test, you start planning your life with that baby and envisioning how your life is going to be.

The 'huggable heart' of Connor, that Steph Weston said is really special to her.

“When you lose the baby, you lose that whole life you envisioned,” Weston said.

“We had everything ... the bedroom set up for him, the bassinet next to our bed and his hospital bag packed ... and he just didn’t come home.”

After Connor’s passing, she reached out to Sands and within a month, she attended her first meeting.

“It really helped me just to know that I wasn’t alone ... the constant thought you have when you lose your baby is, ‘Why me, why did I get picked for this heartache?’, she said.

Weston said her family and friends were supportive, but nobody understood what she was going through.

“Sitting in a group like Sands with people who understand your journey, they understand your ‘Why me’ questions because they’re thinking the same thing.

Steph Weston (right) with her family at Connor's grave on his 6th birthday this year.

“You’re in a group that understands the heartache and the thoughts and feelings going through your mind.”

Weston said she was dealing with some harsh thoughts and didn’t want to be near babies because she felt guilty.

“I want people to know that with Sands, those thoughts are validated. You are allowed to feel what you are feeling,” she said.

Weston said the coordinator leading the group when she joined made her feel supported.

“She asked to see pictures of Connor and people don’t usually like to see pictures of dead babies, but she really wanted to see those pictures of him and as a mother, she made me feel like he mattered,” she said.

“He mattered to me and my family, but she made me feel like I’m still a mother even with empty arms.”

Weston said she participated in memory-making workshops through Sands which helped with her grieving and healing process.

“I have a huggable heart that replicates the weight of my baby, it’s made out of a wrap that Connor was in,” she said.

“He’s in every family photo we have, he is our missing link and will always be the seventh member of our family.”

After Connor’s passing, Weston “luckily got her happy ending” and is now the mother of five children including Connor, her husband’s two kids, and her two rainbow babies after Connor.

Weston said because Sands helped her immensely, it “rips her heart” to know there are people who bear the loss alone.

“There is someone in the group that can relate, understand, and empathise with you because they’ve gone through similar journeys.

“You are not alone and there is a safe space for you to come for support. You don’t need to go through it alone if you don’t want to.”

In honour of baby loss awareness week from October 9 to 15, Sands is participating in the wave of light, a worldwide initiative to light a candle to remember babies who have died during pregnancy, childbirth, or infancy.

For more information on how to get support from the group, visit Sands Taupō/Rotorua on Facebook.

Malisha Kumar is a multimedia journalist based in Hamilton. She joined the Waikato Herald in 2023 after working for Radio 1XX in Whakatāne.