Michele Hewitson: Are we there yet?

Let's take a look at her journey so far." That was the introduction to Dancing with the Stars contestant Barbara Kendall's little clip. Why do we need those naff little clips? To fill in the two-hour first episode of DWTS and to make sure that the word "journey" is used at least once. What a bloody long journey. Are we there yet? Can we stop for ice cream, a fag? Stop the journey, I'm feeling sick.

This is series five and it promises more Candy. Too much Candy can make you feel very ill. This is not the spirit. "Can you feel the love?" said Jase.

Not when that judge who says "darling" all the time called Geraldine Brophy an elephant. This was a compliment. Her dancing reminded Craig Revell-Horwood of the dancing elephants in Fantasia. "Absolutely gorgeous. I loved it." Hadn't he just likened her to an elephant? Why didn't she make a trumpeting noise and charge him? That will never happen on the Feel the Love show, which is peculiarly charmless.

He thinks he's a bit clever does that CRH. DWTS is a show where calling people darling and exchanging crudely risque repartee with a rugby player - "see you in the scrum, darling" - passes for wit.

Will Jase be out-hammed by John Rowles? "That's how John Rowles!" (His hips, get it?) Tamati Coffey danced to My Way. Jase let me down. He didn't say: "You did do it your way." Candy provided: "You did do it your way."

I wanted Chris Hobbs to win. He dances like a donkey but he said (is this a first?) something funny. "New Zealand, I only have three months to live and all I really want to do is dance." That surely guaranteed he'd be voted off. What a smarty pants. You can't be funny on DWTS. Are we there yet?

A documentary (of a journey?) about the Flight of the Conchords screened before the second series (Prime, Mondays, 9.30pm) This was a bit odd: a documentary about a mockumentary.

It might have been revealing but the Conchords were in character throughout, unless that's what they're really like.

This might be revealing except for the fact that they're that species of NZ slackers (or pretend slackers) who have made it big despite themselves. They are lazy buggers who hate to work and who worked long days and nights to make the second series.

Jemaine had pneumonia.

This, he said, was a walk in the park compared to having to make the second series. It was so cold in New York that water bottles froze. They just got on and did it. Perhaps they're not such slackers after all.

"A lot of the show is like a 5-year-old telling a 3-year-old something. If you imagine the characters as children ..." That's the best analysis of the Conchords' charms, from director and co-creator, James Bobin.

The boys are back with manager Murray, after having sacked him. His song threatened to steal the first episode, if stealing means singing the worst song ever written. "Rejected ... like a cornflake without any flakes [Can that be right?] ... like a cake shop without any cakes."

He had had a little tantrum. "Oh yes ... Item 4. Stuff you. Stuff you Jemaine and stuff you Bret. Stuff you again Jemaine."

Jemaine: "Why do I get double-stuffed?"

Because the show is about a 5-year-old imparting their wisdom to a 3-year-old. You'd want to strangle them after an hour of a long road trip with them. Half an hour a week is charmingly dotty.