Stop blaming the bunny

Opinion

The Easter Bunny was twitching nervously as he drank his sparkling mineral water, sitting in the comfortable chair, in the serene office. The Easter Bunny twitched nervously for two reasons. He twitched because he was a rabbit and nervous twitching is something rabbits do. And he twitched because he had never been to a psychiatrist before and this made him even more nervous and, therefore, twitchy.

The psychiatrist wrote something down. The Easter Bunny wasn't sure what or why and it made him twitch to the point that the sparkling mineral water was threatening to fizz over the side of the glass. So he put the glass down and tried to focus on the problem at hand - i.e. where to begin. How could he begin to tell the psychiatrist how he was feeling when he didn't know how he was feeling or, especially, why he was feeling that way? So he started talking, hoping that one word would follow the other in a vaguely comprehensible fashion.

"I'm the Easter Bunny. That's not a delusion, by the way. I am actually the Easter Bunny - that's my job, that's my life, that's what I do. I make my living and support my 12 wives and 487 children, possibly 494 by now, by being the Easter Bunny. That's who I am. "And don't get me wrong, it's a good job; it's about the best job around for a rabbit and I am very grateful for that job. When they called me in and told me my application had been successful, I literally hopped around the room with joy. But maybe that's the problem, maybe that's where all this started.

"I know that most people love me - especially the kids. I'm the Santa Claus of chocolate to the kids. I know all this and I know I should be happy when I see the happy, chocolate-smeared faces of the kids after I've done my business. But I also know that there are those out there who hate me, who blame me for, I don't know, it feels like everything.

"Tooth decay, that's one I get all the time. But it wasn't me who associated Easter with chocolate, that's a human thing. Personally, I'd rather be spreading joy through lettuce, but I don't get a say in it so quit hassling me about the tooth decay thing, okay?

"And the childhood obesity thing. Once a year it's Easter, so don't pick on Easter as the shining example of what not to feed your kids, because to me that comes across as a personal attack on what I do. Think about what you feed your kids every other week of the year before you point the finger at me. Is it any wonder I feel depressed?

"And don't get me started on the religious right who go on like it's all my fault Easter is losing its traditional significance; that because I spread a little joy through chocolate that somehow no one cares about Jesus any more. Hey, chocolate eggs and crucifixions are not mutually exclusive, right? It is possible to squeeze them both into a long weekend, you know.

"And if it's not the religious right having a go at me, it's the loony left with their wild accusations that I'm in the pocket of the mega-corporate confectionary manufacturers, spreading their global propaganda during a time of recession, when people should be saving their money instead of bingeing on chocolate. It's like they're making me responsible for the whole economic meltdown. It's an Easter egg hunt people, not a flippin' multibillion-dollar pyramid hedge fund scheme. Stop picking on me!

"But you know what the worst thing is? Do you know what really gives me the nightmares and the anxiety attacks and the heart palpitations? It's the way the other rabbits look at me. At a time when the word 'rabbit' is synonymous with 'pest', at a time when rabbits are being gunned down in their thousands or being slaughtered through the use of chemical and biological weapons, the other rabbits all look at me like I'm a traitor, a collaborator with our human enemies.

"All I want is to spread a little joy across Easter - what's so wrong with that? I want to build bridges between rabbits and humans. I want to see the smiles on the faces of all the species of the world. Why is this so hard? I try to tell myself, every day, that I'm the Easter Bunny, everyone loves me.

"But all I see, when I look inside myself, is darkness. Like the darkest of chocolate in a dark room on a dark night. Nothing. I think I may be depressed."

The Easter Bunny twitched some more, then started to cry into his sparkling mineral water, as the psychiatrist wrote something down.