Paul Lewis: NZRU spin puts the 'ha' into new haka

In a long career in journalism and public relations, I have seen some wonderful jive in my time and, when the New Zealand Rugby Union's press release on Kapa O Pango arrived last week, I knew I was looking at some more.

The All Blacks' new haka is undeniably powerful and impressive. Regular readers of this column may remember, however, that I am one of the 37 per cent of New Zealanders - according to the NZRU - uncomfortable with the throat-slitting gesture at the end.

But not as uncomfortable as I was with the new NZRU explanation of the gesture. In the release, composer Derek Lardelli said that Kapa O Pango ends with the word 'Ha' which translates as the breath of life.

"The words and motions represent drawing vital energy into the heart and lungs." The right arm searches for the 'Ha' on the left side of the body, Lardelli explained, while the head turns to the right also symbolically seeking vital energy. The right hand hauls that energy into the pou-whakaora (the heart, lungs and air passages), then the eyes and tongue signal that the energy has been harnessed before it is expelled with the final 'Ha.'

Ha, indeed. Mr Lardelli is the same bloke who said, on the original release of the haka, that the gesture represented the "cutting edge" of sport. That one's now gone to the archives and has been replaced by this mystical stuff.

When the new haka was unveiled, Otago University Maori Studies senior lecturer Poia Rewi said the gesture was "an acknowledgement of the opposition" and meant that "you really respect them".

So motioning to shoot the opposition with AK47s would be the ultimate compliment, then.

Or maybe, for the World Cup final, we could replace the throat-slitting with a new gesture referring to a nuclear holocaust. Man, then those other guys would really know we respected them.

The NZRU press release then got even further up my nose when it talked about educating us all more.

Please. For some reason, that reminded me of those immortal lines from the immortal movie Dumb and Dumber.

Harry: "We once successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih Tzu."

Mary: "Really?"

Harry: "Yeah, we called it a bullshit."

What has become clear from all this is that the All Black players want Kapa O Pango.

Right. Fair enough. I still don't agree with the throat-slitting and think it may be interpreted as a deliberate insult elsewhere.

But why not just come out and say that the players want it? Spare us all this PC drivel about education and the heart, lungs and air passages.

I might not agree with it but the players have a perfect right to perform it if they so decide. The haka has been overdone, I think, to the extent that it has lost a lot of its impact. Not overdone by the All Blacks necessarily, but by every Tom, Dick and Harry and it is no surprise that the players might want a haka that belongs to them, as opposed to ka mate, ka mate.

But just front up and tell us. The players will bear the responsibility for any ill-feeling or other effects of performing Kapa O Pango. Don't tell us we need educating and give us Confucian-style mysticism.

The other haka-related shinola this week surfaced when Mr Lardelli and others from Maoridom ticked off Fiat for having the nerve to stage a mock haka in support of selling one of their cars.

"Maori are increasingly willing to take action when cultural aspects have been misappropriated or misused," said the Lardellis (his wife is also a guardian of the culture, apparently). They said that having Derek Lardelli compose a haka for the ad would mitigate some areas of potential concern and they recommended using Maori actresses.

They also said it would useful to know the market the ad was being produced for and its budget, as well as the projected market and sales figures for the new Fiat Idea car being advertised.

The Lardellis told NZPA that they never heard back from the Fiat representatives after putting those questions to him.

I'm not surprised. It's commercially sensitive information. I wouldn't tell them either. So, let's see ... a veiled threat, followed by the suggestion that the Lardellis could offer cultural input, followed by jobs for Maori, followed by a request for the budget of the ad and projected sales figures.

No wonder they didn't hear back. It's none of their flaming business how many cars Fiat might sell.

I have no problem with the protection of a culture. I hope the Maori culture thrives and flourishes for all time.

Presumably the request for the budget of the ad was a symbolic clearing of the airways, a search for vital energy, before clearing the pockets in anticipation of input.

And when did we lose our sense of humour here in Aotearoa? It's an ad, for Pete's sake, not kristellnacht (when 1938 Nazi Germany organised the breaking of the windows in Jewish homes and shops and the destruction of Jewish property in a prelude to the odious 'final solution').

Such distortions of the cultural safekeeping ethic serve only to diminish the very culture it seeksto protect.

Or, at the very least, it makes me turn my mind to that bulldog-Shih Tzu cross again. Ha.

No, that's not sarcasm. I'm just expelling air from my pou-whakaora.