'Buddies' replace absent fathers

Brothers Matthew, 10, and Michael Macnaughtan, 15, with Grant Harvison (left) and Stephen Moorehead. Photo / Richard Robinson

When Matthew Macnaughtan sent a Father's Day card to his dad this time last year, he had no way of knowing whether he would respond.

His dad, Thomas Macnaughtan, lives in Meadowbank, only a short distance from the family home in Pakuranga which he left eight years ago. But he hardly sees Matthew, now 10, or Matthew's brother Michael, 15.

"It wasn't a choice," Mr Macnaughtan says. "Our family is completely estranged from each other. Me and my ex are not on talking terms at all."

It's a situation which is all too common. Sole parents - the vast majority of them mothers - made up 30 per cent of all families with children in the last Census.

But the Macnaughtans have found a novel solution. In dad's absence, both boys have been matched up with adult male "buddies" through Waitakere-based charity Big Buddy.

Michael's buddy, customs officer Stephen Moorehead, lives just a 10-minute bike ride from the Macnaughtan home. Five years after becoming Michael's mentor, he and his wife, Trudie, have become part of the extended family, even attending Macnaughtan family Christmases.

Matthew's buddy Grant Harvison, who runs a photo printing business, lives farther away in Ellerslie but has had an arrangement to see Matthew at 1pm every Sunday since he and Matthew were matched up 18 months ago.

The boys' mother, Janine Macnaughtan, says the pair are "complete opposites". And their mentors are just the same.

"Mike is quite introspective. So is Stephen," she says.

"Matt and Grant are the opposite - full-on extroverts, out doing things."

Mr Moorehead's first outing with Michael was a quiet walk along Eastern Beach. Over the years they have done many walks. Sometimes there is something to talk about, but it doesn't matter if there isn't.

They have been kayaking a couple of times, they've been on trips on trains and ferries, and to the movies. As Michael has grown older, they've been to the Stardome Observatory, and Michael has just been to Sydney with the Mooreheads to try out Emirates' new Airbus A380.

"When we first started going out the ideal thing would be building sandcastles. Now it's going to the Academy and seeing one of John Pilger's films about American imperialism in South America," says Mr Moorehead, 45.

Michael returns the praise. "He's a pretty good listener," he says. "He's interested in the same sorts of things I'm interested in."

Michael has been boarding on a scholarship at Dilworth School since soon after his father left. Every weekend when he goes home he does something with his big buddy.

"All I can remember from my years at Dilworth is Stephen being around, it's just as common as going to school. I couldn't really imagine it [without him]," he says.

Matthew's friendship with Mr Harvison, also 45, is newer - Big Buddy's policy is not to put in a mentor until a boy is aged 7 to 12. Their first outing was a fishing trip to Bucklands Beach, but Matthew's favourite place is a small sheep farm at Maramarua which is owned by Mr Harvison's father.

"The best thing is going to the farm, riding a quad bike," he says.

"Once we went with kids and built a haystack with tunnels and caves. We did work for his dad, woodchopping."

While Michael can be happy in silence, Matthew is an excited talker. "Now I can't get a word in edgeways," Mr Harvison says.

"I'm good at a lot of sports," the boy says. "Grant taught me how to pitch and catch and sometimes other things like how to use a fishing line."

Richard Aston, Big Buddy's chief executive, tells mentors that they don't have to take boys on expensive outings, but after the trauma of losing a father, they do have to be reliable.

"Just keep showing up, and be yourself," he says.

He says the organisation never puts in a mentor without support from both parents, if the dad can be found.

"Sometimes we find him. Sometimes we get him back involved."

He rang Mr Macnaughtan after Mrs Macnaughtan asked for a mentor soon after the couple separated.

"We didn't discuss much," Mr Macnaughtan says. "There was just my agreement that he be involved in it. That was it."

Mr Aston says he often has "some pretty robust discussions" to try to get fathers to stay involved with their sons, and is puzzled when they refuse.

"There's an assumption in men that if kids are with their mum they're fine, and that's kind of true," he says. "But we are saying that boys who don't have a male figure in their life are not fine."

* Big Buddy launches an appeal tomorrow to raise $100,000 to open an office in South Auckland. Donate $3 by texting DAD to 883.

www.bigbuddy.org.nz

BIG BUDDY
* Established 1997.
* Matches men to be friends with fatherless boys aged 7 to 12.
* Men promise at least 2 hours a week for a year.
* They are encouraged to become part of the family for life.
* 140 boys with mentors; 100 waiting.