Will Johnston: Madness on four wheels

Eight hours in rural BOP, in the searing heat, followed by the driving rain and wind, getting covered in mud. Sound like fun to you? Yeah. Nah. But yeah!

I'd never been to a four-wheel drive event in my life. Consider me no longer a virgin, consider me keen for more! I'm not a petrol-head by any means. I changed the brake pads on my Corolla once. It had pretty severe stopping issues following that.

But I know enough to understand how certifiably insane the people who drive these vehicles are. Imagine something that weighs less than your average Toyota Corolla, but has the power of a V8 race car. Then whack four tractor-like wheels on it and send t up an almost vertical hill on a farm in Rangiuru (out the back of Te Puke, shame on you for not knowing where that is!)

What a cool, supportive community of people those four-wheel drivers are (not to mention the farmer, who donates his land to be torn up). They all help each other out of a bog (there was lots of helping required). They all give each other a suitable amount of ribbing when they do something dumb, or roll the vehicle (regardless of whether it's $20 or $20,000 worth of damage, no discrimination there). There was even a mobile welding truck that turned up to piece some of them back together, for free! They are all so . . . Kiwi!

Here's what I don't understand though, if you're driving in the mud and sometimes boggy watery-scunge over a metre deep, in a open-air vehicle, then why do you stop everything, get out and put a rain jacket on when there is a shower? Warmth? Negative. To look good? Definitely not! No matter how hard I search my small brain for an answer as to why burly, tough, dirt-soaked dudes do this, I come up blank. It's my eighth wonder.

What I also love is the instinctive Kiwi male behaviour when something needs to be towed by a tractor. It takes eight men. Seven chiefs and one, very confused, tractor driver. When I said something about their being too many chiefs to a bearded, tooth-challenged, mild mannered crowd member, he said with a grin "imagine if it was all women instead".

So I did. We, in the end, agreed that they would actually be more organised and get the job done quicker, but there would be a tad more complaining during and after the event. Fair call, I thought. Which is the lesser of the two evils, I wonder? I'm a shameless people-watcher. If you ever want to see an eclectic mix, a 4x4 event is the place. Cammo and beards on one side, dress-shorts and a shirt on the other. But the fact that they all line up for a steak sammie from the barbecue and have an in depth yarn about the madness on four-wheels that they are witnessing is, again, so beautifully Kiwi.

(Will Johnston is the host of Will and Bridget in the Morning-Classic Hits 95FM Breakfast Show in the Bay of Plenty. Listen every weekday from 6-9 am)