Will Johnston: Fifty Shades of Tauranga

I saw Fifty Shades of Grey over the weekend. This is not a review. This is what went through my head while I sat there, romantically inserting popcorn... in to my... unshaven... desperate for more... face. Romance writing, check. Haha!

I found myself trying to decide which CBD building could host a local version.

I think it would take place in the Hotel on Devonport. It's the only place I can think of that's tall enough and might let a resident create a room full of whips and handcuffs. I guess the police station is halfway there when it comes to having the props required and a lockable cell-type environment, but it lacks the view and décor.

Where are we going to get the chopper and who is going to fly it? The only choppers I know of in Tauranga are the TrustPower TECT Rescue Helicopter and Phil Rudd's one. God knows what's happened in Phil's one. If those blades could talk. However, I'm directing this film, so Phil's not getting a call-back.

Liam is the pilot of the rescue chopper... He's a reasonably good-looking bloke, he can fly, he keeps fit, he knows how to use a winch. He fits the bill! Though he does have a wife and children, so let's just get him to pilot the chopper, not Christian Grey.

I've got an idea, let's make the lead character your boss! If your boss is the wrong sex, then imagine the highest ranked person at your workplace of the right sex. Ew. God, why are we doing this again?! Now imagine that person treating you to special dinners, fast cars and making you their submissive.

Now imagine yourself in only your undies, waiting to get 'six of the best' (with something that looks like a woman's dress-belt) from your topless boss. Wowzers this got dark quickly.

Now imagine you're leaving the Bay for a break to your home town to see your mum. The day after you get there, your boss surprisingly shows up and introduces themselves as your partner. Then takes you on a glider flight, then leaves. Confusing. At least we could sort the glider flight easily in Tauranga, right?!

Fifty Shades of Tauranga... it's not gonna win an Oscar. But, if you are currently dating your boss, you might want to book a room at the Hotel on Devonport?!

- Will Johnston is host of The Hits 95FM Day Show. Live and local from 9am-3pm, every weekday in the Bay of Plenty.