Will Johnston: Adult diapers and Germans

I spent my long weekend (you know, the one we just had that already seems like ages ago) away from this beautiful part of the world. I went to Whangarei to MC a great mate's wedding.

Northland, despite its "bad news" reputation, is one of my favourite places. It's actually very similar to the Bay of Plenty. That won't impress the staunch lifetime locals here (but it's OK, cos they're actually the minority now anyway, sit back down).

Northland is full of people who work to live, not the other way round. They don't take themselves too seriously and they have some of the most beautiful scenery, coastline and culture in this country. See, told you it was like here!

I get a lot of crap about not being married to my wonderful partner. Maybe one of the reasons I haven't taken the terrifying/financial/organisational/stressful/argument full plunge is the stag do. It was on the Wednesday before the actual wedding. I thought that was a poor choice, hair takes minimum six weeks to grow back and cover the wax-rash! Turns out we only waxed a small part of his outer-groin (just the part we could see outside the pink bikini we had him in), so it was covered for the wedding. I'm sure his new wife got a nice surprise that night! That's what friends are for.

We also had him in an adult diaper for the evening, no toilet breaks. He was changed once an hour. Those diapers were left on the driveway of the best man's house and discovered the next day (it was a hot day). I'll never forget that smell. The hens' night involved a manicure for all the girls and some nice cocktails, apparently. Boring!

There is nothing like foreigners at a wedding. The bride is from Germany. The bride and groom met when she was managing a hotel and he was a patron who'd just been down trou'ed by his mates while explaining to her about their alcohol bill. The way he tells it, she fell in love with what she saw. The way she tells it, she felt sorry for what she saw. Ha! Mars, Venus.

Whoever said Germans don't have a sense of humour was wrong. One of the contingent, Rolf, got on the sauce at the stag do and was introducing himself as George Bon Jovi, the brother of Jon Bon Jovi. Looked nothing like him. Yet had a scantily-dressed young girl in a bar we were in believing it fully. So many things I want to say about that situation. All can be summed up with "brilliant"!

The hens met up with the stags in Whangarei town, at the Irish pub. It was a Wednesday night in small town New Zealand. The only thing open is the Irish pub.

There were complaints that "this shouldn't happen" and "the hens will ruin the night" and "she won't want to marry him if she sees him like this". To be fair, the last one had some legs, he was wearing an adult diaper, bright orange swim cap and singing Why does love do this to me, on stage with that night's band. His voice is not a singing voice. Anyway, one of the young Germans with us, who didn't speak much English, saw the girls walking down the road and yelled "stranger danger!"
What a beautiful moment of clarity among nations and sexes!

(Will Johnston is the host of Will and Bridget in the Morning-Classic Hits 95FM Breakfast Show in the Bay of Plenty. Listen every weekday from 6-9am.)