Trio a super choice of heroes

First Impressions - Column
Subdivisions are going into receivership, poor Mauao's in tatters and it's still easier to win Lotto than it is to find a car park near Main Beach on a Saturday afternoon.
Sometimes it seems this city needs a hero - but who, I wonder?
Perhaps it might be someone who could help little old ladies in Welcome Bay take their wheelie bins out on rubbish day, or someone who could take the boulders blocking the Mauao base track to make new roundabouts on Cameron Rd.
Or maybe someone who could keep snogging teenagers out of the Mount Maunganui Hot Salt Water Pools, use their freeze guns on giggling little snotties who text and put their feet on the seats during movies, save commuters from elderly drivers on the Harbour Link at rush hour, or swoop in and spot us a dollar when we find ourselves at the toll gate with no cash and four honking trucks queued behind us.
After a spirited conversation in the newsroom the other afternoon, we came up with a comic book super trio I reckoned could save our fair city from said peril.
Leading the gang would be a super Tommy Kapai Wilson: by day a hard-case columnist working for a medium-sized regional newspaper, by night Super Maori Fulla - the great pony-tailed defender of Tauranga-Moana Maoridom and bright-eyed mokopuna everywhere.
"What would I build if I was a superhero?" Tommy ponders.
"A magic museum up on Cliff Rd built in the shape of our Takitimu Waka that first founded the safe harbour of Tauranga ... this would become our iconic landmark that the world would come to see and at night it would be lit up like the Statue of Liberty.
"Then we could truly call ourselves 'Tauranga-Moana - The safe anchorage'. Cool brand, eh Hemi?"
Sure is.
Would Super Maori Fulla have a female sidekick to help him fly around the city spreading much needed mana?
"How about Dick Tracy's sister, Tracey Rudduck-Gudsell, the boss at Creative Tauranga? Perhaps she could organise giant billboards of Billy T and Barry Crump and other Kiwi legends who make us feel good when we drive past them.
"Let's face it, she has started with the Hairy Hounds so why not the Cool Kiwis? Just kai for thought ..."
Backing up Super Maori Fulla would be Captain Clarkson, the lightning-fast alter-ego of Bob Clarkson, who we can assume accidentally gained his superpowers when his crowbar yanked a 10,000-volt live wire while prising weatherboards off leaky school buildings.
When you actually think about it, the parallels between our outspoken former MP and Bruce Wayne are all there,
Well-known millionaire? Check. Philanthropist? Check. Often acts silly and says donkeyish things in an attempt to throw off suspicion of a potential alter-ego? Double check.
When I asked Bob about the first thing he'd use his newfound superpowers for, he said extending the wharf at Sulphur Point by 80 metres - and "sorting out downtown".
Okay, so that's a little different from foiling evil plots or battling his pin-striped arch-villain Doctor Winston, who seems to have made more comebacks than The Joker - but at least Bob could offer what his kryptonite would be: red tape.
"Yes, I'd say my superhero would deal with bureaucrats - and I'd need my superhero powers to put my foot on their heads."
Completing this trusty trio is The Incredible Hori, the super-human alter-ego of madcap Steamers mascot Hori BOP and recognisable by his Don King wig, blue and yellow spandex outfit and utility belt stuffed with chicken and apricot Goldstar Patrick's Pies.
The Incredible Hori could be summoned by the Pie Signal, beamed across the night sky by a high-powered spotlight mounted on the Monmouth St police station, and any fiend who dared ringing a Mooloo cowbell within city limits would suddenly see themselves enveloped by a large oblique shadow.
"I'd also make sure Tauranga had the prettiest, brightest and biggest rugby stadium in the country. How? I'd have a good breakfast of pies to summon up my superhuman strength, then I'd fly over to Hamilton, pick up Waikato Stadium, fly back here and plonk it down at the domain."
A new museum ... a new rugby stadium ... fewer bureaucrats, more pies and no pesky Waikato fans ... now that's some super kai for thought.