Sonya Bateson: Marriage is on a downward trend and here’s why

Dame Jacinda Ardern and Clarke Gayford tied the knot this month, but fewer people in New Zealand are choosing to get married. Photo / Felicity Jean Photography

OPINION

I had to cackle.

My husband and I were getting ready to meet up with friends while wrangling a preschooler in a rather mischievous mood. He’d be attempting to read the kid a story while I put makeup on, I’m chasing the kid around the house trying to get him to put on his underwear while the husband ironed his shirt.

You get the idea. The normal sort of chaos young children bring to everyday life.

Taking turns meant neither my husband or I had actually seen the other one get ready.

It was when my now fully dressed and ready-to-go husband walked out of the bedroom that the loud cackle erupted from me.

We looked each other up and down. Here we were, two old married souls, dressed near identically.

Same-colour denim shorts. White linen shirts. Black sandals. Straw hats from the same hardware store clutched in our hands. Same colour sunglasses.

We looked like we were trying to co-ordinate outfits for a family portrait in the sand dunes. It was hilarious, especially as the two of us usually have very different styles of dress.

It’s funny how that kind of thing happens with married couples. You spend so much time in each other’s company, organising your lives around each other’s wants, needs and tastes that you begin to reflect each other in odd ways.

And then, of course, there’s The Look. You know the one I mean. It’s a meeting of eyes that coveys an entire meaning based on inside jokes, shared history, and knowing.

You’ll be sitting down at a cafe and hear someone at a table discussing, say, the housing market, you’ll glance at your spouse and know exactly what the other one is thinking.

It’s one of the best parts of marriage, I reckon. You’ve got a person who knows you inside and out, and you share parts of yourself that you’d share with no other.

As you can probably tell, I’m a bit of a fan of the committed state.

But.

And there’s always a but, isn’t there?

I may think my own marriage is sunshine and butterflies, and I’ll encourage anyone else who thinks they’ve got a great partner they’re compatible with to consider tying the knot, but that doesn’t mean every person should do it. Divorce is hard, and so is being miserable with someone you can’t or won’t leave.

Marriage is on a downward trend - there were fewer than 19,000 in 2022, despite many couples having likely been delayed by Covid-19. In 1971 there were more than 27,000, according to Stats NZ.

I reckon a major reason why is because we of the younger generations have grown up with the realities of divorce and are unwilling to attempt the commitment of marriage until we’re fairly darn sure it’ll work. And if we’re not sure it’ll work then we’d rather just not get married at all.

That’s doubly true of modern women, I reckon. We’ve seen what happens when one partner works a full-time job, then comes home, and pulls a second shift doing the bulk of the housework, childcare, household management and social calendar organisation.

It leads to resentment and unhappiness for everyone involved – the women who feel they’re doing far more than their fair share, and the men who hate being “nagged” when they just want to relax after a hard day of work.

Who wants to be resentful and unhappy? Easier to be single.

And the funny thing is, there have been studies that indicate women lead happier lives when they’re single and childfree by choice. The myth of the miserable old cat lady appears to be just that – a myth.

But even if you do want a long-term partner, it can be really hard these days to find a compatible person to date.

I reckon a lot of that is down to internet dating and apps like Tinder. Now, I’m not saying they’re bad, far from it. I’ve known plenty of people who found their life partner online.

What did we do before Tinder? Photo / Northern Advocate

But I do think this dating method has made it harder to filter out genuine connections from people just looking for a fling. And, of course, the second sort aren’t always going to be honest if they think faking long-term interest will get them what they want.

But what do I know. I’m far from an expert – I haven’t been on a date in, hmmm, more than a decade now. Thankfully.

I don’t know if I could hack it anymore. All the effort of getting dolled up, meeting up with someone, trying to figure out if they’re genuinely a good person or if it’s just a facade, fighting over who pays, then playing the complicated politics of whether or not to text them the next day is just all too much.

Pass.

Give me my matchy-matchy outfits marriage any day. But what works for me doesn’t work for everyone, and that’s okay.

Married, unmarried, single, divorced, whatever – make the choice that brings out the best in you.

You’re the one that’s got to live with your decision, after all. Literally.

Sonya Bateson is a writer, reader and crafter raising her family in Tauranga. She is a Millennial who enjoys eating avocado on toast, drinking lattes and defying stereotypes. As a sceptic, she reserves the right to change her mind when presented with new evidence.