Working on a road crew could be fun - in summer - and I would so enjoy being one of the guys with the stop/go sign. Man, what a way to spend the day. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Um, heck, where am I up to?
Mind you in winter things would get a bit unpleasant and I'm not sure the yellow of the plastic outdoors gear goes with my complexion.
I could be a teacher.
My English is exemplary, my basic maths very good, history knowledge is brilliant and my languages - French and Japanese - good enough to get by on.
Only there are a couple of flies in the classroom ointment: they being I'm not sure I could return to a job after two months of summer holidays and ... I dislike other people's kids.
Ah well, wipe that one of the blackboard. Sorry, whiteboard.
Maybe I could join the coppers. I'd have to get fitter - which would be a good thing - and learn to suffer fools gladly (not such an easy thing) but blue is my colour and I get to wear a stab vest. Pretty handy for quiz nights at the pub.
Of course, it was better in the old days when you could hurtle after offenders at top speed with the lights flashing and the siren going wee-aww, wee-aww, wee-aww but now, in PC land, you can't pursue a crim at more than the speed limit without getting a ticket yourself.
Still, a job worth considering.
As is working in a pharmacy. Okay, I'd look really terrible done up to the 9s with perfect make-up on - sort of like a former Eurovision Song winner when she/he is 50 - but I'd be ever so good with customers.
"Yes sir, just how green is that mould between your toes?" Or "Certainly madam I have tried this weight loss method. It had me down to 105kg within several months of starting it and daily workout sessions."
Second thoughts, we may scrub that one, I'm no fan of sick people sneezing or coughing near me so I would be constantly diving for a facemask or antibacterial wash for my hands.
Sigh, I may never find something else to pay my way in the world.
Supermarket shelf filler? No.
Waiter? No.
Barista? No.
I'm going to have to call Sir John Kirwan I'm getting depressed here.
Ooo oo, coach of the Blues rugby team? Not a bad idea and, well, I couldn't do any worse could I?
Hang about, here could be just the thing.
Saudi Arabia is looking for more executioners to ease the workload for its current head-loppers. So far the oil-rich country has topped, or is that de-topped, 85 people this year.
The death penalty can be imposed for many offences including murder, rape, false prophecy, blasphemy, armed robbery, repeated drug use, adultery and witchcraft.
Ways to go include beheading, occasionally by firing squad, or by stoning.
Well, I'll forgo the stoning as it is a very long time since I smelled the pong of cannabis at a party and the last thing the condemned person would want would be a whacked-out person biffing stones at their heads.
The firing squad would be okay - I can always think I'm the one with the blank bullet - and it is quick. Mind you I'd be way down the job experience list behind a heap of Indonesians.
So taking someone's head off with a sword would be the way to go.
It'd be a bit like the Starks on Game of Thrones when they have to deal with someone who has broken the law.
Kneel down, say a few words, swoosh, thunk.
Now according to a job ad on a Saudi government website, the country is seeking more executioners.
The ad asks for "religious functionaries" who would be required to implement a "judgment of death", as well as other punishments, such as amputations.
Eight are needed.
Thank goodness no experience is necessary for the positions, but the salaries would be on the lower end of the Saudi civil service pay scale.
Mmmm, maybe I'll just stick to editing after all.
-richard@richardmoore.com
Richard Moore is an award-winning Western Bay journalist and photographer
