Martine Rolls: On solo parenting and networks

A well-balanced view of solo parenting", writes Colleen Gourlay on our Facebook page in reaction to Carly Gibbs' feature story published in the Bay of Plenty Times Weekend on bringing up children in a one-parent family.

"People need to realise that not all people are solo parents by choice," says Colleen.

There are more accolades from local organisation Tauranga Single Parents, which commented on their Facebook page: "Fantastic article in this weekend's Bay of Plenty Times on single parents, it allows you to catch a brief glimpse into the lives of five different single-parent families and truly breaks the stereotypical label that people like to stick on us. I was so proud to see some of our parents sharing their stories, good on you guys!"

I too am a single parent, and I was impressed with Carly's feature, as well. If you missed it, you can find it here. I have also noticed that most coverage on bringing up children is focused on harmony, mums and dads, and happy families. What a fantastic view. If only we lived in an ideal world.

When my own marriage hit the rocks nearly four years ago, I wasn't all that well prepared for the single life with kids, either. Things fall apart, you fall apart, then you soon realise you've got to be strong and whatever happens, you've got to be there for the kids. You've got to adapt - somehow.

I worked at the Mount at the time of our separation and every morning on my way to the office I drove past this huge billboard underneath the Hewletts Rd flyover that screamed at me: "Great marriages grow great kids."

This was an advertising campaign from familyfirst.org.nz. I'm sure they have a point but do they have to rub it in? The message on that billboard was a kick in the guts to me. You'll probably understand that like most other single parents, I am not so by choice. Like Carly says in her story, some fairytales don't follow the traditional path.

Just out of curiosity, I had a look at the Family First website this morning. Nearly four years down the track and it still upsets me. They might be a People's Choice NetGuide Web Awards finalist but there is one thing I am absolutely sure about. While resisting the urge to use some very strong language here, I will never look at this website again!

So where do single parents find support online? And what if they want to start meeting new people, or are ready to start dating again? Believe me, it isn't an easy thing to do this day and age, especially when you're not in your early 20s anymore and have littlies.

Type the keywords "single' parents dating New Zealand' into Google and you'll be surprised what comes up. I found Kiwi Families, a positive parenting organisation with a great website that includes an excellent section on parenting solo.

As I mentioned before, Tauranga Single Parents can be found on Facebook. It's a page for the single parents in the Bay to network and support each other and it is aimed at single mums as well as single dads.

Another local organisation that recently joined Facebook is Kidz need Dadz. In their overview they say: "We strive for shared parenting of our children and a recognition by society of the value of both parents' involvement in the nurturing of our children, the physical and psychological development of our children, and the right to ensure our children are safe from harm, so that they may flourish in society." I'd like to mention to the people who run or support Family First to take note of this. In my opinion, this is a more realistic and certainly a more mature view to the situation. Simply saying family breakdowns are the cause of rising drug and alcohol abuse and violence in our society is complete rubbish.

My kids and I are lucky because they have a fantastic dad. They spend as much time with him as they do with me. Together or not, the happiness and wellbeing of our two boys always comes first.

Deciding on shared custody is the best decision we've made together after our break-up. It's not ideal, but it beats the every second weekend and school holidays scenario. Our kids have two roofs over their heads and good food on the table. They lack nothing and receive lots of love and attention from both parents. So Family First - how can you argue with that?

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