The Ladies Long Charity Lunch was held at Toi Ohomai Institute of Technology last Friday.
Firstly, I think it's important to recognise that a large group of women, keen to cut loose a little, with the addition of a smidge of champers, provides a situation that is much more open, honest, un-PC, likely to involve nudity, merciless sexism, constant debaucherous innuendo and potentially career-ending dance moves than would generally happen if a group of 300 men were at a long lunch!
I'm not saying any of that is a bad thing. Tables turned, a group of men in the same situation involves just smutty jokes and trying to prove who is the most 'well endowed' during the charity auction section of the afternoon. Though men are definitely quieter in large packs (omitted from this statement is any stag do/rugby match).
Walking in to an enclosed marquee of 300 women who basically have no rules for the afternoon did resemble the same sound as a chook house I was once in. The clucking was immense. Fifteen brave, suave, respectable, handsome, personable, fit (of mind, not necessarily body), successful, caring (yet firm when needed), '100 per cent sober' gentlemen volunteered their time to be 'man-servants' to tables of ladies that stumped up a $250 donation.
How they were treated ranged from a bearded ex-All Black/ex-coach of the BOP Steamers being promptly sat down by his table of ladies and given one of the most spectacularly classy done-on-the-fly makeovers I've ever seen ... That pink blush brought out his eyes marvellously.
The table I was man-serving was possibly the nicest, classy, happy, sober women I've had the pleasure of dealing with at an event like this. They seemed constantly happily surprised that I would actually go and get them drinks, top up their water, clear their plates and have the odd chat! It was like a little oasis of calm in a storm of loudness, laughing and 'Orange Blossom'.
I went back there for a breather from the beautiful madness these events provide. My table were all involved in something called 'The Curiosity Project' - a bunch of locals who provide awesome opportunities to literally anyone who's keen to learn new skills and perspectives; from growing medicinal plants, to cheese-making and gin tasting! Seriously cool ladies, check them out at thecuriosityproject.co.nz, or search them on FB or Insta.
That aforementioned frenzied, loose-ish and freeing atmosphere has a point though. It's needed to make people feel like what they do almost doesn't matter ... They then open their purses/clutches/bunches-of-cash-tucked-in-to-one's-bra when it comes to the auction and the local charities (Good Neighbour and Te Aranui) reap the benefits. To the tune of over $100,000!
The food was all rescued; it would've otherwise been thrown away. Amazing huh?! Tip of the hat to that magician of a chef Peter Blakeway and the students at Toi Ohomai who made a faultless degustation feast!
Peter was then auctioned off. Twice. His wife will be stoked! It was for him to pop round to your house and cook for 10 people. I wonder how much of a nervous gulp he has when he rings the doorbell of the winner's house? Naked chef be damned, if I was him I'd own the rights to 'The Drunk Chef'. It's the only way I'd cope with that kind of pressure!
Someone even paid $1100 to come in to my studio with their kids for a few hours and co-host the day show with me ... Now I have to look like I actually do some work. -Will Johnston is the local 9am-3pm host for The Hits Bay of Plenty 95FM. He's also a celebrant and MC.