They were nervous at the start, as they should be. They were happy, relaxed, totally-married-right-now and keen for a drink at the end ... as they should be. A wedding is the most expensive party you'll ever have.
Why not start it with a ceremony that is remotely entertaining and tells a cool story from when the couple met all the way through to now, encompassing some sweet stuff they've done together, how they really feel about each other (including some of the annoying habits/traits, usually an easy list to make for the bride and groom), their thoughts on marriage (because they're the only thoughts on it that actually matter) and a couple of romantic and 'official bits'.
"You're a celebrant?! What made you want to do that? Isn't it usually, like, old ladies that do that? Or church ministers?"
If I had a dollar for every time I've been asked something similar over the past three years of being a celebrant ... well, OK, I still wouldn't be able to put a deposit on a house in Tauranga. But I would be able to afford a case of my favourite wine and drink enough to forget the loveless void that most of the marriages on Married at First Sight NZ provided.
Don't get me wrong, I watched that show and fully judged them for being fickle, fame-seeking, unqualified princesses (even the dudes).
But I did watch it, without fail, every week, wearing my comfiest judgy pants, wrapped in a judgmental blanket, warmed by a beanie of judgment and sipping on a glass of Wither Hills 'OMG She Did NOT Just Say That' cab-sav. The point is I watched it. Great telly, but not a great start to a romantic relationship, generally.
Except for the one couple still together, Brett and Angel. Who remind me of a pair of kereru, drunk off fermented plums; falling all over each other, laughing manically at in-jokes and cute as hell. Side note: For this reason alone, the kereru should have been bird of the year. A binge-drinking, not unhealthily skinny, slightly lazy bird that loves to eat and breed. How is that not a reflection of New Zealand as a whole? Haha!
Back to the question at hand; why am I a celebrant? Because I got fully over going to weddings done by weird, mildly 'phoning it in' old people, in bizarre clothing and stupid hats who couldn't pronounce anything other than a colonial English name correctly and talked in love metaphors that mean nothing to anyone.
Ooooh that's a bit harsh. Maybe. But when I went to a wedding done by one of the aforementioned and she called the groom 'Max' four times during the ceremony, I was pretty sure I could do it better. His name is Matt. *Eye roll*
I'm also a fan of the free booze at a wedding. So sue me. Or hire me!
Will Johnston is the local 9am-3pm host for The Hits Bay of Plenty 95FM.
