Will Johnston. Photo/George Novak
Hits radio host, celebrant and MC Will Johnston muses on his indulgent life in the Bay of Plenty
Hands up who's sick of Christmas?
We are only two-ish weeks away from Santa - a light-footed, big-bearded virtual foreign stranger man letting himself shadily in the ranchslider (chimneys are so 20th century, guys) after hours, like a creeper, dumping a bunch of stuff in your house and leaving again trailing a bunch of New Zealand's most wanted trophy stags.
Spare a thought for your average radio announcer/retail outlet employee over this time too.
I love Christmas carols as much as the next privileged early-mid 30s white guy, but hearing them every day from the start of December is enough to drive even the most I-put-my-Christmas-tree-up-in-mid-November-every-year Christmas freak to cross-eyed, make-it-stop Xmas overload insanity!
Don't even get me started on workplace secret Santa. When is it ever secret and when do you ever get that gift where you go: "OMG this is what I've wanted all year and you've made all my dreams come true"?
Oh actually, I got a big can of beer last secret Santa ... So, ahhh, actually, I take it back! Why don't you give the cash to charity as a workplace though? Seems like that might be a better use for it.
Despite this, I love Christmas.
I love it because I can give.
Cheesy, right? It's totally the line you'd expect from anyone in the media or a public forum. But I make no bones about the fact that, sure, I'm giving to help out people in need/friends and family, but I'm also giving because it makes me feel good.
Giving can be kind of selfishly motivated. And I don't see anything wrong with that whatsoever! It could possibly be the pure and true meaning of win/win!
I'm not a heartless robot! I love to receive gifts! Bring me all of the gifts. Cover me in gifts.
Make me a bed of gifts and tuck me right in to it after a decadent feed on Christmas Day so I can have the dribbliest of fat-bellied Xmas arvo naps (the more dribble, the better the nap).
My sister and I realised a couple of years ago that for birthdays and Christmases we were basically just transferring money in to and out of each other's bank accounts. What's the point, right? So our new rule: $50 max spend. Can't be a voucher (unless that voucher is for an experience).
Apparently guys are hard to buy for? Lies. You just need to stop thinking about what they would like and think about what you would like! See, giving can be selfishly fun! Here are five options so you don't even have to think about it ... #YOUareWELCOME
1. Literally anything Christmas themed from Kmart.
See pic (look at the pure Xmas joy on my face). It's a Christmas carol-singing, light-up reindeer head that you hang on the wall and cost me $25. Spend the other $25 on booze to get you through the endless hours of him playing with it.
2. A Christmas themed jumper.
Especially if he's a Grinch. There's nothing like a slightly perturbed looking male in a very festive jumper, in the middle of summer, in all your photos to brighten up your Insta page (if you can get one with lights or a reindeer red nose, even better).
3. A facial.
You laugh. You jest. But if you've had a facial before you know they're freaking amazing. Just because he's a guy doesn't mean his face feels things differently than a female face! His ego will dissipate promptly ... Until you've had a trained professional rubbing the bejesus out of your eyebrows you haven't lived, I've always said. (There are Grab One deals on these things all the time round this time of year.)
4. Zuru Bunch O Balloons.
Yes, water balloons. You can fill up 100 in 60 seconds. It's a New Zealand company. It's $10 for 300, so buy him 1200 and spend the other $10 on a cheap snorkel mask so he can take at least 500 of them to the face from the kids/you over summer. Any guy who isn't interested in this needs a small reality check about it being okay to actually still be a kid every now and then!
5. Beard glitter and catcher.
Nothing says Christmas like a red and green beard on dad! You can buy the beard oil and glitter for $20 (you get multiple colour choices) and a beard catcher for $30 (imagine a large tent-material bib that shapes upwards and catches all beard trimmings and/or glitter). Both can be found super easily online ... Which says a lot about the state of the world. Ie that it's AWESOME!
Do me a favour, have a drink for me this Christmas when the guy in your life is stoked with one of these presents ... Then slam him in the glitter-beard face with a water balloon and run!