I'm a white guy, reddish complexion, 6ft4 and have all the swagger of a baby giraffe falling out of a tree.
So why did I feel particularly present-day Rarotongan last week? Because my iPhone died. It turned itself off, without even the awkward goodbye wave of a friend who's seen waaaay too much that can't be unseen. If 'Siri' could talk unprompted, right?
I tried to turn it back on. It gave me the Apple logo and then turned itself off again.
And that's all it has done since. I panicked. You know that horribly flushed, tingle-all-over-your-body, I need-to-poo feeling that you get when something goes mortifyingly wrong?
Yup. That. Lots of that!
So, as I sat on the toilet (that's where I do my best social media-ing), remembering those breathing techniques a counsellor once told me to use in a crisis/fight-or-flight situation, I also had another thought ... Maybe this is a good thing?
I got into my car with the weightlessness of a man who doesn't have to fight that thing we all have inside when we drive; the feeling of 'what if I miss crucial message', or Facebook 'such-and-such mentioned you in a comment' notification?! I drove like a man in the 90s. Totally alone!
Though halfway through my hurried drive to Spark in Bayfair Mall the fear crept back in ... I'm a radio announcer, celebrant and an MC. Emails and calls are my life! I'm currently uncontactable!
What if a mother of a bride has an unreasonable request that I can't answer immediately? Okay bad example.
What if my parents can't call and let me know that I don't call them enough?
You're getting my point here? Everything that I was fair packing myself about was actually a non-issue and did not require my immediate attention.
More than that, most of those things I can do without in my life! I stood awkwardly in the line at Spark waiting to hear my phone fate I'm pretty sure I already knew. I usually have social media for all 'waiting situations'.
Social media has dulled my ability to imagine without the starter-for-ten that a bloody good meme provides! What a ridiculous human I am! Then the fear returned.
What if I am meme-less for days?! What if I can't take and post that sweet high-angle selfie that makes me look at least 10 years younger than I am?! What if I can't see my friends' baby posts on Facebook?! That last one really snapped me out of it. It was actually bliss.
I resolved to live a life more in the present and take in what's around me purely for me, not capture it and share it with others. I resolved to care more about my life and less about what others are up to. I resolved to be Rarotonga in its current state!
Then my new iPhone arrived and it all went out the window! I binge-posted like someone who's just discovered CrossFit. Motivational messages, pics, vids, even an Insta boomerang or two to keep me youthful and down with the kids!
The addiction is worse now than it's ever been and I'm not even sorry. Speaking of social media, idyllic destinations and water - binge with me and enter this comp on the Indulge Instagram Page (@indulge.nzme).
Just hashtag #indulgeyourweekend and tag in @indulge.nzme and you too could make your friends wildly jelly with your pics of scenes of your getaway to Queenstown. Imagine if your phone died when you were on an holiday? You might have to actually enjoy it with the one you love and no one else. Ew!
Will Johnston is the local 9am-3pm host for The Hits Bay of Plenty 95FM. He's also a celebrant and MC.
