Felix Desmarais: It's spooky I don't have a boo

Relationships. They ought to send a shiver down your spine. Photo / NZME

OPINION:

In honour of Halloween, I must traverse the scariest topic there is.

It's not ghosts, though it does involve ghosting.

It's not mummies, though becoming one could be a result.

It's not spiders, though it can give you creepy crawly feelings.

Relationships. That ought to send a shiver down your spine.

Talking with a friend who was pining for a relationship, they said they then remembered how, while warming and comforting, devastating heartbreak can be. Spooky.

As has probably become starkly obvious since I began writing this column, I'm a big sap.

I love romantic comedies, I'm a sucker for Celine Dion, and I had tears streaming down my face watching my cousin get married the other week.

I love the idea of getting married myself and know I'd be a blubbering mess watching my person walk down the aisle towards me, too.

Last year when I was buying a house I thought how great it would be if I had a partner I could pool my deposit with - and the additional income to boost the chances of buying a reasonably nice house.

Then I remembered that would involve being in a relationship and - can you believe it - spending time and energy on that.

I figured a partner is more than an extra $100,000 on a deposit and deleted Tinder for the 16th time. It's a shame though, there's a trope on Tinder that guys always have a photo of themselves holding a fish, and my fish picture is spectacular. Bit of a waste (not the fish though, it was put back and as far as I know is probably married with caviar kids itself in some corner of Lake Taupō).

Felix and his fish. A prime Tinder pic. Photo / Ben Fraser

Then last weekend I made a frittata. It was no ordinary frittata. It was exceptional.

I pride myself on my cooking.

I have a natural instinct in the kitchen where, without any instruction, let alone formal training, I just, kind of, know how to pair flavours. It's not always perfect, but I find myself in a complex chemistry experiment that surprisingly pays off 99 per cent of the time.

And so it was with my frittata. It was marvellous.

I paired cumin with the potatoes at the bottom, added just the right amount of cheese, and made the mushrooms aromatic by sautéing them in garlic.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm a culinary genius.

It was the kind of frittata that made me wonder why I'm not married yet. That kind of frittata makes me prime husband material. Surely being a magnificent cook is the main selling point.

Who needs good looks, a load of money or a sparkling personality when you can wizard up a fantastic frittata?

Felix's frittata. Photo / Felix Desmarais

To me, the pinnacle of marital bliss is being a cook and someone who likes to eat good food and do the dishes.

Sometimes I think it's bad I haven't been in a relationship for almost a decade, but then I think that's probably because I'm a lot more - how shall we say? - choosy than I was in my early 20s.

I would like to get married someday, I think, but I'll be patient until I've found someone who feels like home.

At the wedding the other week a relative asked if I had someone special in my life.
I said, perhaps defensively, I didn't but I wasn't worried about it.

But you never know what's just around the corner because I think I did find the love of my life the very next week in a combination of cumin, potato, eggs and cheese.

So for now, it's just me, my frittata and my mortgage.

How am I not married yet frittata

Ingredients

150g potatoes
1 onion
1-2 portobello mushrooms
50g pastrami
150g broccoli (can be frozen, don't break the bank)
25g tasty cheese (I use tasty light)
200ml egg white
3 eggs
Cumin powder, coriander powder, paprika, garlic, salt and pepper to taste

Method

• Preheat oven to 200C on bake.
• Prepare an deep oven dish or cast iron pan with baking paper.
• Chop potatoes roughly into cubes (skin on or off, I like it on).
• Boil potatoes in salted water with cumin powder, coriander powder and pepper.
• Drain potatoes and place them evenly in prepared dish.
• Sprinkle cumin powder and paprika on top (or optional: sauté potatoes with these spices).
• Dice onion, place it in dish.
• Thinly slice mushroom - optional: sauté mushroom in a saucepan with olive oil and garlic.
• Add mushroom to dish.
• Dice pastrami and place in dish.
• Steam broccoli briefly then place it in the dish. Optional - sauté broccoli in saucepan with cumin powder.
• Add 20g grated cheese.
• Add eggs and egg white to a bowl.
• Whisk mixture and pour into dish so it is level-ish with veggies and meat. If the mixture isn't quite enough, top it up with more egg white, no stress.
• Add about 5g cheese on top.
• Place dish in middle rack in oven.
• Cook for 20-30mins, checking occasionally. Once firm, not liquidy and brownish on top it is ready and your life is changed. A spouse may appear at your doorstep.
• Allow to sit for five minutes then, if you like a bit of spice with your spouse, I mean frittata, add sriracha sauce to taste.

Felix Desmarais is a journalist, mostly-former stand-up comedian and home-brand Gordon Ramsay.