It might be a cold grey morning in Te Waipounamu, but it won’t stop our castaways from bringing the sunshine.
Between a pasta-stacking charity challenge for Kārearea, in which singer Megan Alatini takes home $5000 for her chosen charity Women’s Refuge, and some incredibly sweet team bonding at Tohorā where they paint their nails purple, the morning has been pretty wholesome. Kind of.
“I don’t think purple nails are scary necessarily, but I do kinda like – I want the other team to think we’re weak and we’re silly, and then we catch them off-guard and we destroy them,” comedian James Mustapic says, segueing us perfectly into the drama we are here for.
Someone on this show is having their ultimate villain moment and we simply must spend the rest of this recap in outrage. So get ready.
Heading to the team face-off, the weather is awful, causing hosts Bree Tomasel and Jayden Daniels to start the challenge before revealing the prize. It’s worse than getting five chicken nuggets in your McDonald’s six-pack.
Siri, cue It's Raining Men. Photo / TVNZ
The castaways will each have half their team standing under a water trough holding ropes to keep it steady, and the other half will be working together to fill up buckets and pour them into the other team’s trough. If the trough starts to spill, the teams have five seconds to make it steady or it’s game over.
I can’t help but wonder if this is where F45 got its inspiration.
Holding on to the ropes for team Tohorā, we have the mighty Steve Price, Mustapic, Laura Daniel and Tāme Iti. Everything is going smoothly, until suddenly it appears Mother Nature is having her way and the purple team is hit with more rain than Noah faced on his ark.
It’s the most shocking and questionable decision this show has ever seen as the presenter decides that instead of throwing water into the other team’s trough, violence is the logical answer, which results in Vandermade throwing buckets of water on the other team’s heads in order to “loosen their grip” on the rope.
I’m shocked, I’m shaken, I’m calling the police’s 105 number, my jaw is simply on the floor and it seems Tomasel feels the same. She can barely string together a sentence as Vandermade throws buckets of water on Tohorā - specifically 71-year-old Iti.
Okay Jordan, we get it. You're the villain. Photo / TVNZ
The Kārearea captain keeps a stone-cold expression as he continues to throw bucket after bucket on the Māori activist and artist, who is later revealed to have fears around water, and I’m genuinely concerned a Geordie Shore-style punch-up might kick off as he douses the other rope-holders, too.
Provoking a sour taste in Vandermade’s teammate Courtney Dawson’s mouth, she tells the confession cam: “Bro, it’s raining hard-out, but it’s like that was his first point of call - it just feels like a silly thing to do.”
Meanwhile, six-foot-four Price begins laughing, and we can only assume it’s so he doesn’t do anything incriminating on national TV. “When I look over and see Laz [Laura], she’s getting a bit angry about it, and Tāme has issues with water,” he says, shaking his head.
Vandermade, for the sake of your reputation and future chemist endorsements, can I politely ask that you stop, collaborate and listen? Ice, ice baby.
But there is light at the end of this tunnel, and it comes in the form of our island angel Mustapic. Completely oblivious to the drama unfolding, he pokes out his tongue trying to catch the water. “I just thought I was getting splashed,” he tells the confession cam, before adding, “But no, he was going for it. Made me hate him more.” Major slay.
Me waiting for my first drop of coffee in the morning. Photo / TVNZ
Meanwhile, Iti, still taking the brunt of the water due to his close proximity, later tells the confession cam “[Vandermade’s] a dumba**” as he laughs recalling the wild incident.
The Lotto host continues to show New Zealand he is no longer in his eat, pray, love era, before his attack thankfully comes to a swift end after a hectic rusty bucket cut on the hands of Matt Gibb.
The rules change, and one member from each team is then asked to let go of the rope they are holding, so Iti moves to the sideline, but while he’s no longer holding on to a rope, he is supporting his team, performing a haka that fills his team with the strength they need. He’s riling up Tohorā while psyching out Kārearea, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s a warning of war toward Vandermade.
If you're going to be silly, Jordan, you better be tough. Photo / TVNZ
Then we move to one member from each team holding the ropes - Price from Tohorā and musical theatre star Nick Afoa from Kārearea.
Bellowing from his water-throwing platform, Tohorā's Matt Gibb shouts, “You cannot beat Steven Price, Nick. You might as well give up now, brother - this is Steven Price, bro!” The revelation provokes a giggle from rugby fan Afoa, who might just agree.
Ultimately, the legend that is Price takes out the win and it’s more deserved than my morning coffee. But, you guessed it, there is more drama to come.
David and Goliath, part two. Photo / TVNZ
Episode three proves to be the most intense of the season as Kārearea’s mental health advocate Jazz Thornton appears to collapse. There are gasps, there is shock, and once again Tomasel is too stunned to speak.
Thankfully, a couple of puffs of an inhaler and some downtime see her recover and Tohorā go on to enjoy their prize, which is an afternoon complete with local kai from mana whenua Kāi Tahu. It’s a win so well-deserved I’m on the floor sobbing.
But once their pukus are full, it’s straight on to the elimination round, where captain Matilda Green once again holds the power, putting up singer Megan Alatini, competing for Women’s Refuge from Kārearea, up against broadcaster Mel Homer, competing for The Aunties from Tohorā. It comes as a shock to Homer, but Green justifies her pick, telling the teams, “I‘ve chosen Mel because I think she’s got it. A strong player against someone who I think is tired.” Brutal.
This Libra was no match for Mel Homer. Photo / TVNZ
The balance-based challenge is one Alatini believes she’s got in the bag: “I’m pretty good when it comes to balance - in fact, my star sign is libra, which is [represented by] balancing scales,” she says, and I feel it. I, too, relate everything in my life back to star signs when I’m nervous.
Unfortunately, her Libra skills do not prevail as Homer takes out the win. but Alatini remains so positive I’m genuinely not sure if she knows she lost. Homer is awarded a scroll which happens to be a clue, and she hints it’s something she isn’t going to share with her team.
The game has officially begun.
Celebrity Treasure Island airs weekly, Mon-Wed, at 7.30pm on TVNZ 2 and TVNZ+.
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
