This phrase is becoming somewhat of a mantra in some popular online groups in which modern parents discuss the issues they’re facing with their own parents or their parents-in-law.
The complaints almost always fall into three predictable categories:
1) A woman gets pregnant and her previously uninterested mother or mother-in-law becomes suddenly overbearing and controlling (this gets nicknamed “baby rabies”).
2) New parents are affronted by the assumptions their own parents make about how involved they’ll be in their grandchild’s life, like expecting overnight stays while the baby is still little.
3) Grandparents are angry and offended that their adult children are raising their children differently than they did, and/or are upset that the new parents insist the grandparents follow rules they don’t agree with.
Thankfully, I’ve never had to deal with anything like this myself, but I have been a sounding board for others who have and, boy, it sounds tough to live with.
I’d sum it all up as both sides having differing wants and expectations of the other, and a change in the power balance towards the adult children. They now control access to a precious commodity: the grandchild.
We modern parents have attended antenatal and parenting classes. We’ve read books and we subscribe to advice from experts on YouTube. We’ve joined online parenting groups that align with our philosophies and we have learned how others have coped with stressful situations.
Does that make us parenting experts? Far from it. But many of us come to parenthood with firm ideas of how we will raise our children – and those ways are often vastly different from how we grew up.
Parenting and medical advice has undergone a dramatic change in the Past decade or so and is evolving even more rapidly in the wake of Covid. I’ve had discussions with peers my age who had children years before I did, and even they’re amazed at how much has changed.
Here are some examples of what we’re told:
1) Babies should only ever be put to sleep on their backs and there should be no loose items in the cot/bassinet. That includes blankets, soft toys, pillows, and padding. Instead of blankets, either heat the room or invest in wearable sleeping bags.
2) A newborn shouldn’t be awake longer than 45 minutes at a time and that “wake window” gradually lengthens as the baby grows older. Routine is essential for a baby’s happiness.
3) Comfort the baby whenever they’re upset. You can’t spoil a baby – they’re creatures that live by instinct and crying is how they communicate their needs. Ignoring them teaches them that they can’t trust someone will come if they call for help, and this can cause anxiety and aggression issues later in life.
4) Absolutely nothing other than breastmilk or formula until the baby is 6 months old or is clearly showing they’re ready for it. And that includes water as babies gain all the hydration they need from their milk and anything extra can make them unwell.
A lot of those guidelines are in direct contradiction with advice offered 10 or 20 years ago.
I know when I was growing up, it was standard practice to sleep babies on their sides covered by a blanket, to give them small amounts of water, and to let them “cry it out” if they needed to go to sleep.
It’s my opinion that a lot of the conflict that arises between modern parents and grandparents is due to modern parenting practices. New parents may grow frustrated at the out-of-date advice their elders give them, and the grandparents may feel that being told to do things differently is an insult to their own years of childrearing.
I believe the key to a happy, healthy, and successful relationship between parents and adult children is to always treat each other with kindness, respect and love and, importantly, for the grandparents to remember they’re no longer in charge.
Modern parents are becoming less willing to tolerate disrespect from their elders and that is leading to the growing realisation that shared DNA does not automatically make a grandparent a good influence on a child’s life. Being a grandparent is a privilege – and one that can be revoked if the grandparents won’t respect the parents.
I’m lucky enough that my child has wonderful grandparents to shower love upon him – grandparents who respect my and my husband’s rules and parenting choices. And my kid thrives under their attention. It’s beautiful to see and so, so appreciated.
I’d like to give a huge thank you to all the wonderful grandparents out there. The love you give our children is a gift they’ll always treasure.
Being a grandparent is a privilege – and having a good grandparent is an honour.
Sonya Bateson is a writer, reader and crafter raising her family in Tauranga. She is a Millennial who enjoys eating avocado on toast, drinking lattes and defying stereotypes. As a sceptic, she reserves the right to change her mind when presented with new evidence.
