KEY POINTS:
- Top psychologist explains what stress and anxiety are, and identifies coping mechanisms. Readers also share their experiences.
Every day, all of us experience worry, stress and anxiety on varying levels.
And right now, between Coronavirus, the attacks by Russia in Ukraine, and rising living costs, it's hard to dodge the doom and gloom.
It's no surprise the current state of affairs is causing more people to seek one-on-one help for their mental health.
However, there are some practical tools to help manage stress and anxiety that you can start practising right away.
Essence had Dr Kirsty Ross, a senior clinical psychologist and lecturer at Massey University explain stress and anxiety and identify coping mechanisms.
What is stress?
Stress is a part of everyday life that we experience when we go through significant change.
This includes positive substantial changes like buying and selling a house, getting married, having a baby and getting a new job.
However, little daily stresses can add up and make it feel like our buckets are overflowing.
One of the tricky things about stress is that when it remains constant and stable, we stop noticing that we're under stress until it is pointed out to us, or we see the effects on our health, the performance of daily tasks, mood, and relationships.
As stress builds up it leads to physical tension, which causes extra energy in the body, and a lower tolerance for managing extra responsibilities.
Your window of tolerance for life's problems gets small because your bucket is full, and there's no mental or emotional space to manage anything extra on top of what you're already juggling.
The stress of then knowing you're full to the brim can lead to anxiousness about anything else you might have to face.
What's more, the physical impact of stress makes you vulnerable to experiencing higher levels of anxiety.
What is anxiety?
High levels of stress are often the starting point to anxiety.
We all experience some anxiety, and like stress, need it in our lives to give us energy and motivation to tackle certain tasks, such as studying for exams, meeting a work deadline, and organising multiple demands and responsibilities at home.
Not enough anxiety means we cannot prepare and get things done, but too much can leave us feeling paralysed and overwhelmed.
One of the consequences of anxiety, which maintains distress, is avoidance of the thing, person or situation that is leading you to feel anxious.
Anxiety has physical consequences that come from high levels of tension, sending adrenalin through the body to get ready to fight, flight, or freeze.
A surge of adrenalin can cause a racing heart, dizziness, feeling hot, or cold in our hands and feet, and feeling like we are going to vomit.
These physical effects, if ongoing for extended periods, can lead to digestive problems, muscle strain, and getting sick more easily because our immune system is strained and geared up to fight a threat that our brain has alerted us to.
While this response is helpful if you are faced with a poisonous snake or a natural disaster, the reality is, the threats we're facing often aren't immediately right in front of us.
They are, in fact, possibilities and fears that we have about something that might happen or memories of something from the past that has happened.
In order to be able to assess the situation, and cope, we need to calm the emotion centres in our brain and body, to assess how best to respond.
Ways to calm yourself
The fastest way is to take deep, diaphragmatic breaths (abdominal or belly breathing) that will lower your heart rate.
It is helpful to practise this daily so that you can bring it to mind when you need it.
Once you're feeling calmer, you can assess the situation.
Remind yourself to pay attention to what is, not what if, or what was.
Sometimes there is a problem or threat we need to manage (like Covid) and reminding yourself of what you know right now, and what is happening right now, can help you cope.
Staying in the present moment will help you respond in the most helpful way.
It will also help you remember your strengths, and previous times you have coped with situations.
If you are having trouble staying in the present, simple grounding techniques can be effective.
Remember that asking for help and accessing social support is also important. This will give you a sounding board, a simple space to vent, or reassurance and support.
Anxiety is an important emotion that serves a key purpose, but can feel challenging when it happens a lot, at a level that's hard to manage, and we don't feel like we get a break from our thoughts.
It can be helpful to park your worries and schedule specific and regular "worry time".
Then distract yourself with more pleasurable activities and ones that are meaningful to you, so that there is less time for worry, and it takes up less energy.
Thoughts that go round and round in our head - where there is no outcome in terms of a solution, or an ability to change the outcome, such as thoughts about the past, or that has not happened yet - is called rumination.
If you haven't been able to find a solution in 10 minutes to your worry, it's time to put it to one side and focus on something else.
Some of our worries will crop up repeatedly, and remembering that our brain is just trying to protect us and warn us of possible threats, means that we can thank our brain for trying to help, but also make a decision that giving up more time to anxiety, robs us of time and energy on other things that bring us joy and meaning.
Tips for coping
Daily emptying of the bucket, or at least letting some of the water out, is crucial.
Good self-care is vital.
This involves moving your body to release some of that physical tension; eating well; sleeping - anxiety feeds off exhaustion and it is hard to think sensibly when you're sleep deprived; giving your brain some other things to think about; fuelling the thinking part of your brain with activities that fill your heart and spirit, and staying connected with people.
When you recognise the role that stress and anxiety serves, you can find ways to ensure you can manage those emotions, but also feel empowered to control how you react.
You don't have control over everything that happens in life, but when you find ways to calm your body and brain, you can mindfully react in ways that keep you engaged in the things that are important to you, and build up your confidence in your resiliency and coping.
It is also important not to take on responsibility for everyone else's wellbeing and to remember you can support people, but not feel you have to look after everyone else.
Remember to put your own oxygen mask on first.
We asked our readers for their experiences of stress and anxiety. Thanks to all of you who shared your stories. We had an overwhelming response.
I've suffered from anxiety for 10 years.
Initially, it stemmed from an unhealthy family situation and then compounded by health difficulties and a toxic work environment.
I developed coping mechanisms that weren't great, but have since sought professional help.
Stress, however, is still bad. I often don't know when I am stressed because I've lived with it for so long that I don't recognise it. I'm good at keepin' on and often rely on friends telling me (to slow down). The best therapy for me has been finding something physical. I go for a walk on the beach when I can. I also started ballet five years ago - it saved my life.
I go to three or four classes a week and sat my first exam last year.
Ballet has helped bring (my anxiety) down because it keeps my body strong; gives me something in the future to focus on; is social, and then gives me a goal to work towards ... all have been key psychological factors for me.
- Morgan, 36, Te Puke
In July 2021, I flew to Leeds, Yorkshire, to assist in a family crisis.
At the time, New Zealand was Covid free and vaccinations hadn't started for the general public. Delta had, however, just arrived in the UK.
I had to wait until August to get my first Covid jab.
Once I had it, I visited my son and his girlfriend in London. When I arrived, they took me to a market. When they opened the doors, there were thousands of people. No social distancing, no masks. That's when I had my first panic attack: I went white; froze; heart racing; sweating; my brain was foggy as if I was going to pass out. My son got me to an empty church nearby.
I was overwhelmed; scared. I only saw my son and his partner alone after that.
I dreaded the train back to Leeds. I had to miss two, to get on one that was quiet.
I stayed at my mum's, waiting for a MIQ spot. I had my second jab in October and my booster in December.
I missed out on every MIQ list from July to late November. The thought that I couldn't get home to my husband, oldest son, dogs and job, made me paralysed all over again. I couldn't eat, sleep, or tell people I'd fallen apart. I was a quivering mess.
I had to make it to London without getting Covid by December 27.
The worst panic attack was when I travelled to a chemist to get my certificate to fly out. I had self-isolated up to that point.
It was when I had to go out to the chemist that the enormity of what I was doing hit me. It was packed: people getting jabs; taking tests. The attack almost sent me over the edge. I rang my son and he got me an Uber to his house.
The car stopped at traffic lights on Putney Bridge.
I looked to my left and there was the wall where I had walked, with the river underneath. I took slow breaths and switched off my brain because it was telling me to get out and jump off the bridge. Then the lights changed and the car was moving. My son came out of his house and I sobbed. The first time in his 28-years he'd seen me fall apart. I felt despair.
The plane home was a nightmare. The changing of planes, a blur. Getting through Auckland Airport was stressful. I kept telling myself 'you will be safe soon'.
For me, the MIQ experience was bliss. I spent New Year in isolation - there were fireworks. It was a relief to be home.
I thought my time in MIQ had given me a chance to sort myself out. I was wrong. I know I still need help. I just don't know where to start.
- Jen, 59, Rotorua
I'm a 30-year-old gay guy who had undiagnosed ADHD up until two years ago, which caused stress and anxiety.
It impacts my ability to work; date; friendships; family. Going to the doctor's or shopping can be crippling. I receive counselling but it's new.
I find ways to cope, but it's tough when the one thing you can fall back on, the mental health system, is unreliable or can only help if you're in dire need. It's tough for them, I get it, but the pandemic has only made things worse. Nature and exercise is a must for me. Hobbies keep me occupied. I'm not super-duper social as anxiety can make it exhausting, but friends get me through tough times. I don't drink. My go-to thing when I feel like crap is food. I've developed a few unhealthy coping mechanisms, avoidance being a huge one.
- Sam, 30, Rotorua
New Zealand's second lockdown, last year, was horrific.
I'd been involved in community projects including the secondary school choir competition, Cadenza.
I'm a stay-at-home mum, with three kids under 5, so I don't get out much.
The Big Sing Cadenza finale, that I'd spent eight months planning, was meant to happen the night that we went into lockdown.
It was going to be phenomenal and a project I'd poured my heart and soul into. Then, I was stuck at home with two toddlers, my baby, and not having any sense of purpose.
I began having dark thoughts. My husband and four-year-old's birthdays (were approaching). Usually, I go all out, but I had no desire to do anything.
A friend came over, breaking level four lockdown: 'We need to get you to the hospital', she said. They put me in a respite house for a night.
I felt like I was letting everyone down because I couldn't cope.
I could've spent more time in respite but I chose to go home (with medicine).
My anxiety is not as severe or acute as it was. It's now generalised anxiety every now and then.
My husband runs his own business, so it's: 'How are we going to afford to do stuff? How much can he work? And how much can he help with the family? How much is gas? Groceries? Daycare? Are my kids going to get Covid? And constant cancellations as well.
The Rotorua District Choir - that was a big part of my life - and it's been cancelled; as have various athletic things.
In the last two months, I bought an e-bike, and now, whenever I feel overwhelmed, I'll ride. I probably look ridiculous, because I put my headphones on and sing. It's restorative for my soul.
I've also got a group of mum friends, and we set aside a night a month to do activities - wine tasting; pottery.
Everyone was like 'this is such a good idea' because they all feel isolated and alone. No one wants to be that person who says 'I'm not coping', but I don't think a lot of mothers are. You're supposed to portray this perfect 'I'm a Pinterest mum who bakes and does crafts' when in reality, some days, you're in your pyjamas until 3pm and and 'Oh, here's some chicken nuggets (kids)'.
I have another friend, an acquaintance, whom I'd known for five or six years, and over the past few months, we've become close because we both realized we were struggling. She's going through a divorce. We reached out to each other and now go on walks three times a week.
You're not alone and no one is handling this perfectly. The world is crazy right now, and we all need help, support, and other people to vent with.
- Jennifer, 32, Rotorua.
