It’s called the silly season for good reason. As long lunches, deadlines, and the end of the school year loom, diaries become a hot mess of to-do’s before Aotearoa puts up a collective ‘see you in January’ sign. We ask a psychologist for her tips to stay merry (and sane) during the lead-up.
"It feels like the last stretch in a marathon of a year," says leading New Zealand psychologist at Massey University Dr Kirsty Ross, of the four weeks remaining until Christmas.
"Almost there, but those last few miles feel really tough."
And once again, that old chestnut Covid hasn't helped.
"The economic fallout of Covid and cost of living pressures are really being felt," says Ross, explaining that stress is then amplified at a time when there are expectations of presents, hosting, and attending yet another invitation of 'one catch-up drink before the end of the year'.
Coming out of a full-on work and financial year straight into the party season can feel exhilarating but also draining.
"We want to be able to enjoy this time of year, whether it's associated with spiritual, religious meaning, or whether it is more associated with the holiday, and time with loved ones and friends," she says.
So, how do you make sure that fatigue and burnout with Covid impacts don't ruin it?
Both Ross and essence readers share their tips.
(subhead) You're a mean one, Mr Grinch
Firstly, two things can be true at once. You can be grumpy, tired and stressed, and also looking forward to Christmas.
Making space for all your feelings is important – it's what feelings we chose to act on that's key, Ross says.
"By all means grumble in the bedroom about having to host your uncle and aunt, and how much they eat at dinner, then go into the living area and enjoy the family occasion and greet everyone with a smile," Ross says.
"Remind yourself what the value is that is motivating your choices and decisions – family connection, time with people you don't see often."
(subhead) Make a list, and check it twice
Plan for stress and problem-solve ahead of time.
Put aside a small amount each week for extra expenses, or do what Rotorua's Bronwyn Southall does and set up a Christmas club fund.
"With so many other costs that come with Christmas, not having to use my salary for groceries takes away a lot of stress," she says.
"This year I have tried to get organised and start purchasing gifts early. Also keeping an eye out for specials and clearance sales helps save money."
Ross suggests making to-do lists; delegating tasks within the family, and prioritising - don't feel you have to say "yes" to every festive event.
" 'No' is such a small word but can make such a difference to stress levels," says Ross.
"You can say it by using a 'positive sandwich'.
"Recognise the positive intention, decline, then finish on a positive note.
"If someone has a problem with you saying 'no', then that is their issue and not something you should feel you need to manage."
(subhead) All is calm, all is bright
Take time to destress. Move your body, get some sleep, and make time for enjoyment each day - even just five minutes.
"That is enough time to listen to your favourite song or just sit outside and listen to nature."
Try not to use unhelpful coping strategies – particularly in situations that might raise your stress or anxiety levels. For example, don't get written off at the work Christmas party.
Overindulging in alcohol can create problems of doing or saying things that you regret later.
"Making very conscious decisions about how you will cope with a social occasion ahead of time will mean you have a plan, and will be more likely to stick to it," advises Ross, who also suggests considering an exit plan.
"Planning on going for two hours means that you can pace yourself and know where your finish line is."
So, whether a work or family event brings up feelings of anxiety or excitement, planning for managing those feelings in a helpful way is a good idea, so that you feel good about how the event went afterwards.
(subhead) All I want for Christmas is … peace
Old family dynamics can come up during the holidays while you spend time with relatives that you might not see much of at other times, by choice.
However, rather than avoid thinking about it, realistically thinking about expectations and possible challenges and planning for these, will give a sense of relief from the stress, advises Ross.
Having some control over how things happen, and remembering you have some choices can be helpful.
Plan out the possible options, discuss with your significant others how those might play out, and choose the best one.
Then communicate assertively to people what your plans are.
A highly stressful Christmas means that spending time with loved ones, honouring your cultural and spiritual beliefs, and recharging if you are on holiday, gets lost. You then head back to work without the rest you were hoping for.
(subhead) Sugar plums and candy canes
Consider doing Secret Santa where the cost is no more than $5 or $10.
Or, do what Samantha Whybrow does and move Christmas to late January.
To take the "money pressure away" she's given her children aged 18, 17, 13, and 8, both gifts and Christmas money in the New Year, rather than on Christmas Day.
"They still get a stocking with lollies and chocolates, but their main gift is delayed. They are all happy with that. It's just about communicating it with them and why we are doing it. It means we're not struggling with our wages leading up to Christmas," she says.
She also does a potluck barbecue for friends and family before Christmas (she contributes meat and dessert); and gifts for other family members will be homemade baking.
For another woman, who didn't want to be identified, she, her husband, and two children aged 5 and 7 will forgo a "feast" and bigger presents this year, in favour of donating food, and gifts, including school items, to those in need.
"We like them to know it's normal to help others in the hope they will continue to do so."
(subhead)Toys in every store
If there is something children are really wanting that's pricey, it is better to let them know that Santa won't be able to bring that this year, as he needs to have a present for everyone, says Ross.
And making something for your children can be the most memorable present.
"We had very little money growing up, and the present that stands out for me was a dolls' house my parents made between them. My father built it out of leftover wood, they painted it with leftover paint, used off-cuts of wallpaper and wrapping paper, and old carpet and lino to make a house, that to me was a mansion. As much as it is a cliché, it really is the thought that counts."
Also, consider thrift shopping: "Teenagers are really aware of sustainability and will often be appreciative of a gift that has been upcycled," says Ross, adding that managing expectations for all ages of children is best done ahead of time.
(subhead) Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Underpinning the holiday season should be clear messages around priorities - being the values and beliefs of your family.
"Children watch what adults do and form expectations as a result," warns Ross.
"It is a wonderful gift to children to learn that giving is more about time and effort, and the thought and love that goes into it, than monetary value or number of gifts.
“Having sustainable gift giving that prioritises a relationship, and does not produce high levels of stress for the giver, sets young people up to have sensible expectations of themselves and others as they get older.”
