The big man himself appears to be missing in action so I have made it my mission to loKATE him.
I've considered many scenarios and even entertained a few wild conspiracy theories. I am, however, confident that I can solve this case without the help of the F.B.I or local law enforcement.
Let's look at the case so far. We know he suffered a very public and humiliating loss, due to the epic failure of his political party on election night. His ego, bigger than the man himself, would have taken a hammering and could have resulted in a deep depression or even manifested itself in a psychotic break. Has he maybe checked himself in to a secure mental facility?
Perhaps, like the rumours surrounding Kim Jong Un, his ankles have finally succumbed to the combined pressure of his own body weight and that of his ego, leaving them shattered and him unable to walk. Will he reappear in the future with diamond encrusted titanium ankle replacements, having undergone weeks of intensive physical therapy at the hands of blonde bombshell and Swiss masseur, known only as Heidi? Even worse is the possibility of foul play. An act of revenge carried out by a disgruntled party member, enraged at their loss. Would a search of the Coatesville Mansion uncover the dead body of Kim Dotcom, stuffed in an enormous chiller, beneath the freezer burnt meat and outdated frozen product lines that Crisco's were/are so frequently accused of sending to their customers.
For those who view Kim Dotcom as a Weapon of Mass Destruction, the possibility of self-burial can not and should not be overlooked. He could be holed up in some secret designer underground bunker, continuing to live his lavish lifestyle while plotting his next move. Smuggling in supplies via an intricate network of hidden tunnels created by Alice's first cousin, Edwina, purchased on the internet in kitset form and assembled from a diagram, complete with an allen key from Ikea.
The possibilities are endless. Though highly unlikely, he could be hiding in plain sight. Maybe he's found of way of uploading himself to a cloud of his own making for a little bit of R and R. Kim could even be re-inventing himself and is just waiting for the right time to launch his new persona. If so, I'm eager to see what emerges from the ashes. Maybe he'll rebirth himself as a latecomer contender for Labour Party leader, he does, after all, appear to be drawn to anything that resembles an almighty fiasco, so what better stage for a comeback?
Though troubling, I'm not sure his disappearance warrants blanketing Auckland in missing posters, just yet. I do feel, however, that a standard BOLO (be on the lookout) order is an appropriate measure at this time. It's clear that I need help with such a perplexing case. Maybe I should just ring the GCSB and get the skinny on fatty.
If you have seen Kim Dotcom or have any information as to his whereabouts, please contact me via a leaked email: investik8@gmail.com
Kate Stewart is an unemployed, reluctant mother-of-three, currently running amok in the city ... approach with caution or cheesecake.
