What kind of parent are you?

Liza Iliffe Photo/File

THE type of parent you are will influence your child's development. Children learn their behaviours from how you interact with them. Deciding what sort of parent you would like to be starts with understanding the role of the parent.

Parenting styles have been grouped into three broad categories. Parents are sometimes too hard and inflexible, authoritarian like a rock. Sometimes they might give in too easily, permissive like paper. Somewhere in between is what works best for kids, firm, fair and friendly. What type of parenting style best describes you?

Authoritarian (rock)

The authoritarian style of parenting has strict rules. Methods of discipline tend to be harsh and punitive. Parents often take this approach because they want children to learn important family values and to succeed in life. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that. The important thing to consider though is how they go about this task.

Very often it can seem parents give instructions and orders (followed by lots of reminders). Their children are either listening or ignoring them, and the latter is likely to result in punishment.

Children of parents using this style tend to be dependent, easily led, have low self-esteem, and eventually are more likely to reject their parents and their values.

Eventually, children will learn to communicate with their parents in the same style. We call it "parenting" when the grown-ups do it, but tantrums when little children do it and rebellion when our teens do it.

Permissive (paper)

Permissive parents tend to avoid conflict at all costs and will back down if it looks like the child is getting upset. These parents prefer to rescue their children and do the thinking for them, hoping it will improve the relationship, but can result in children feeling insecure or abandoned.

Parents may find themselves parenting this way because they want to avoid the authoritarian style in which they were parented.

They don't want the shouting and the aggressive atmosphere they knew, because they love their kids and want them to be happy.

Parents often give in to their kids' demands just to keep the peace.

Authoritative (tree)

Authoritative parents use reasoning and listen to the views of children. They are sensitive to children's needs; they use praise and are clear in their expectations.

Their children tend to be secure, responsible, self-disciplined and function with a healthy self-esteem. Of course, this doesn't mean their children never misbehave but, in the long run, the process is easier than it might otherwise have been.

This style is guided by a mutual respect. If respect is flowing in both directions then there are never unhelpful or unhealthy side-effects.

The good news is that the research shows that this parenting style produces children who:

Are self-motivated contributors to society.

Have developed internal discipline.

Can communicate their wants and needs clearly.

Have good self-esteem.

Know what they want and how to get it.

Respect others.

Most parents will be a mixture of all three styles. Sometimes, if under stress, they may become authoritarian and strict about controlling things around them. Alternatively, they may be exhausted and lack the energy to have any control and become permissive. Somewhere in between is what works best for kids.

Parents who are firm, fair and friendly, are flexible like a tree but, when appropriate, they are strong and grounded when they need to be. Visit www.skip.org.nz to read more about parenting styles and what behaviours we might see in children as a result.

Take the parenting styles quiz. Are you more rock, tree or paper?

For more parenting tips contact Liza and Lynette at SKIP Whanganui, 027 626 1404 or email skipwanganui@xtra.co.nz.